Tis the season..ho.ho.ho.

I think I enjoy the holiday season because there's a theme. Chanukah: Blue and White (and silver or gold), candles. Christmas: Red, Green, Gold....(or jewel tones...that's always beautiful)...the trees,...I love Christmas trees...being Jewish there's not much opportunity to get involved here, but I've had them "for Al's kids", and decorated the crap out of it (red, white and blue...an NYC theme...little cabs, everything.) New Year's Eve! I am dying to throw the ultimate New Year's Eve party. This year would be all "white". I was inspired by something in a magazine and I love the idea of White and Champagne accents and although I am frequently too tired to put MYSELF together, I can spend countless hours, creating menus and decor for an event. I love a theme.

Needless to say, not everyone shares my enthusiasm for participating.

My husband has learned to go along with it. He used to worry I was going crazy or "a bit over the top" but honestly, compared to events I've been to, my little soirees are budget oriented (usually) and the intention is to make them easy. I'm going to figure out a way to make it a part time or full time situation someday: with character/costume rental, photographers, exotic locations, the works.

My husband has a large extended family and one never knows exactly who will be at Christmas dinner, so the challenge becomes to get a little gift for everyone...something that says,

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, we've been busy suing people.

'Tis the season to default on your rent, apparently.

Some people are really struggling, for them I feel bad, and we try to assist them, with temporary rent reductions or other assistance, but others....well, some people look for any excuse to "get over", and to those people we say...

"Govern Yourself Accordingly"

More on this later. :)

Well...that didn't take long.

As of Friday, she was missing 4 assignments in English, 3 or 4 in Math, and 3 in French. 3 weeks ago she was written up for "cutting" a class. We already gave her the "Class President is held to a higher standard" speech.

Not two days prior to my receiving this information (the teachers email me.), she was caught lying about not attending her afterschool Forensics club. I had asked her how the club went and she told me, "Great...we finished our hair analysis,...." and proceeded to describe the project she's working on. Which would be nice, except the teacher called me at home to tell me she didn't show up. She opted to hang out at the basketball court instead. Why didn't she attend this club she supposedly likes? Because she had heard others wouldn't be there due to doctor's appointments and "didn't want to be the only one there".

I very pointedly explained that the teacher's time was worth WAY more than hers and she should have had the courtesy to tell the teacher PRIOR to the club that she wouldn't be there, so the teacher could go have a life.

It's so annoying. I bought Halloween costume materials for her so she could go run around with her friends...and her father let her stay out till almost midnight. And it's the lying. I just can't take it. She actually had the nerve to write her father an email saying he just didn't understand how hard it was to be a teenager, (!) and that she wants to be on the honor roll (I guess they just put you there if you ask, you don't actually have to DO homework), and that we don't appreciate her.

Damn straight I don't appreciate her. Just when I think things are looking up, she screws it all up. I am not speaking to her, for the sole reason that I don't want to hear a word out of her mouth, because I'm sure it will be a lie. Also, I am out of patience and restraint. I told her that if she wants to be a loser, she should move back to Florida where she'll blend in, instead of wasting the opportunities provided to her in New York and embarrassing herself and everyone else. (I'm sure I'm going to hell for that one, but I'll be with all the other step-parents who finally snapped.) I'm tired of listening to myself rant about her, and the only reason I don't hurl a hot iron, or television at her head, is because I dump all my wrath and ire in this blog. (lucky you guys.)

She actually had the nerve to email her father and tell him that it wasn't her fault she didn't do her homework. (So it's WHOSE fault,exactly?) That her school is hard and she has so much going on...(Like???? we KNOW she's not doing homework.)

She didn't KNOW she was missing homework, because her teachers (All of them) didn't tell her. hmmmm....What about when you're in class?? Do they HIDE this information? What about when people are turning in assignments or going over them in class....where is she for that??? How does she not know she is missing homework? Oh yeah, because she's lying.

She made up a lot of work yesterday and then her father let her watch a movie. He figures she's off today for Veteran's Day so she can do her homework today. I said she should do all her homework now and get to watch the movie SECOND, as I feel he's not sending the right message, but he shot that down, so I give up. She's allowed to have her phone (but she can't use it...if she uses it THEN we're supposed to take it away..sure that makes a lot of sense.)

He's rehearsing in the studio in Brooklyn tonight (Band gig on Saturday night) and he actually told her that I may want to see her homework.

Well, I don't. I quit. I want nothing to do with it. It's all bullshit anyway. If he's interested in whether or not she does anything in school, he can check her work. He's TAKING HER WORD for it, that she's completed her assignments (Her word = ZERO) so he's going to be the one losing his shit all over the place when he finds out that she's screwing around in school.

The Results are In !!!!!

SHE WON!!!! :)

Jr. Class President Campaign Blitz

It's probably overkill, but we don't care. We are now fully engaged in shameless pandering. We had a small crew of kids over at the apartment assembling cards, candy and ribbons. We paid them in pizza and soda. I bet my boss wishes he could pay me in pizza and soda and get me to produce 1/2 as much. It'll never happen.

Next she finished the t-shirts, also pretty snazzy, if we say so ourselves. And we do.
And the buttons have all been assembled and are ready to be distributed.

Between all these things, plus the bookmarks , magnets and TATTOOS (They are sooo awesome...See previous post to relive the excitement!), I'd say our campaign materials, which we started on Saturday, look pretty swanky.

The only unfortunate thing is the video. We got the testimonials done, and her boyfriend, to make a long story short, committed to being able to assist, and then kept us waiting in vain, until we ran out of time and had to proceedwith our other projects. That's another post, another time, about life lessons, unmet expectations and being responsible for our own happiness. But she feels accomplished! She's going to test the reaction to the giveaways tomorrow, people will be wearing the shirts, using the bookmarks, displaying tattoos, and so forth. If we need more, we'll make more...If she doesn't win, NO ONE can say she didn't try her best. I think she'll be ok, regardless of the outcome, but I'd love to see her win.

Campaign Blitz tomorrow

OK...we didn't finish the video, because her BOYFRIEND who committed to assist, crapped out on us and we lost our opportunity. We would have done it without him but he assured us he was coming and we went on with other things while we waited, in vain, for him. (Long story short.)

This was a lesson in always remembering to honor yourself, and to be responsible for your own happiness. Men always take care of themselves. Actually there were a couple of lessons here and if she learns it now, she won't be learning it when she's 40. People do what they want to do. He made a choice to be somewhere else instead of doing what he said he'd do. She didn't break up with him(boo), but she drew a line in the sand. We'll see.

That being said, we had a nice little crew of friends show up to help assemble candy to give away.

Campaign Headquarters, Sunday night

The election is on Friday. They really don't give the kids much time or incentive to campaign. Very little information was given out and they are off on Tuesday and Wednesday for the Jewish Holidays. My how times have changed. I used to have to bring a note to school explaining my absence on Jewish holidays and even though there were other Jewish kids in my school, no one else knew what the holiday was for. Maybe it's because it's New York, with so much cultural diversity, maybe they just teach them about all the holidays. Or maybe the school district got sued. Who knows?

Anyway, we've raided the craft store, and have created buttons (see pic above), bookmarks (they were fun, but I'm not sure how effective they'll be stuck inside books.) T-shirts and magnets. We're not completely done, we plan some candy giveaways (We're going to somehow personalize candy with campaign information overnight.) but we're making progress.

We are working on a video to be shot in the apartment tomorrow night. I have never edited a digital video before (only VHS "back in the day" and it involved machinery). I downloaded Microsoft Movie Maker, and hopefully can teach myself to use it. The video will be a sit down type interview format with another student acting as "host", asking our "candidate" questions. She is also going to shoot "testimonials" at school tomorrow. If she doesn't get mugged for the camera, we should be able to incorporate it into the video.

I'm not sure whether she or I are having more fun...ok, I'm sure, I am. But seriously, how cool are the "Presidential Tattoos"?

There's an alien in my house.

I don't know what happened. I'd like to think it's because of something profound that I said, although I'm sure it's just wishful thinking....

My stepdaughter has decided to run for Junior Class President of her high school. They sent her home with a sheet of paper, in which she had to outline which qualities she had that would make her a good class president. She loosely understood the role she'd be playing for the student body, but as we were discussing it, something clicked, and I saw a light go on in her head. Instead of saying how she'd like to help the school and give everyone a voice, or something really generic, she connected with the idea of actually participating and getting other students excited about getting their good, but underexposed school more attention and some school spirit.

She's spent the past 4 hours doing homework and working on her campaign. I can't say that I recognize this kid from even earlier this week. She's like a junior class president alien.

We've come up with real reasons why she'd be a great addition to the Student Body Council. Basically, on Monday the school posts on a bulletin board, a page written by each "candidate" campaigning for each position. On Friday, they vote.

Well, we're launching a full scale attack. This weekend we are putting together her "script" for a campaign announcement to be put on youtube and advertised to other students via bulletins on her myspace page. She'd get a student to "interview" her, and have other students give testimonials why she'd make a great junior class president. At the end of the video, she'd get to say "My name is Dolores, and I approve this message."

We will make buttons over the weekend which say something like "VOTE for DOLORES, it's vote FOR US", around the outside, with her picture in the center and a small caption, "JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENT".

She had to list some ideas to make the school better and we included a blog on the school website, which lets a writer from each class (Sophmores, Juniors, Seniors) write about a topic and open up a comment forum. The school website contains calendar information, school contacts, and homework, but having this interactive feature, would help connect kids to the school and its activities.

Her school is small, so they don't have much in the way of dances and events other than the prom, to promote school spirit and get kids involved and participating, so she would set up a committee to fundraise for these events.

She's been looking at colleges...whew. I don't know when all this happened. Seemingly overnight, but she's all business and excited about this campaign and getting people to vote for her.

I can't wait to hit the craft store this weekend for campaign supplies. Now THIS is cool. :)

3 WEEKS = FOREVER

They say "Time Heals All Wounds". Ok...how much time, exactly?

A human year is equal to 7 dog years.
Apparently, three weeks, to a teenager is an eternity. The subject of trust came up again last night. My stepdaughter's high school has been in session for 3 weeks. And the nightly conversations go like this:

me: "Did you do your homework?"

her: "Yes."

me: "What did you have?"

her: " English, Science, French, Global and Math."

me: " Ok, so did you do your work?"

her: "Yes."

me: "All of it?"

her: "what?...(trailing off to buy more time...a textbook timewaster)"

me: "All of it. Did. You. Do. All. Of. Your. Homework." (I include the 1000 -mile- stare- that- can freeze fish.)

her: "Uh, well. No."

Notice how many times I ask the same question. At least 3. Sometimes she insists she's done everything. Ok. Fine. Let me see it.

So I look it over and correct grammar, etc...for the most part she's doing her homework this year. But then again, it's only been 3 weeks. I am aware of one missing assignment, which got her instantly grounded so she's received the message by now, what our expectations are.

Last night, she starts to get very upset that I don't trust that she's done her homework. She's missing something that she says she regularly completes before class in her "Zero" period. (A tutoring/ study hall period built into her schedule before school.) hmmm.....

I press further. She insists everything ELSE is completed and gets very whiny and upset and proclaims that I don't trust her.

I agree with her. I don't. This initiates more whining from her. I explain that I'm not angry, but no, I don't trust what she tells me, because she spent and entire year lying to me about anything and everything. So yes, while it looks like she's more focused this year, currently I have no experience with her in which I can say that I trust her.

her: "Sounds like you have a problem."

me: "No, the problem is yours."

her: "But I haven't lied to you in THREE WEEKS."

me: "Oh, ok..never mind then. You're trustworthy. It's been THREE WHOLE WEEKS since you lied to me. THANKS."

This actually started a pretty healthy dialogue about what type of values for which we want to be known. It was difficult to accept, but she finally seemed to understand that just because you say "I'm an honest person", if you regularly are caught telling lies, then no, in fact, by definition you are not an honest person. People are defined by their actions.

And as much as I enjoy postponing all the interesting things I plan to do for myself each evening, in order to interrogate her regarding her homework and marginal time management skills, it's going to take a whole lot longer than 3 weeks for me to not listen to my "bullshit-o-meter" ringing every time she opens her mouth.

Birthday Weekend! September 6th/7th...

From Random

So here I am at my in-laws about to start a very serious 40th birthday weekend of overeating and staying up late. If I never see another piece of cake it will be too soon.

From bday

Actually,

Welcome to "Marrakesh, California" (Working title)

Ok...here would be some of the employees greeting you upon your arrival and subsequent transport to the ranch. (thanks to berberevents for the borrowed photo) :) I think this would be an important part of your experience to help you shift your mindset to "relaxing resort/spa and camel ranch" mode.

My Resort/Spa/ working Camel Dairy will have alot of this

and a good deal of this...

and we'll all drink our camel's milk and tea out of these glasses,

in beautiful suites which look like this

and I think it could be pretty amazing. :)

Who's with me?

More on the Camel Front.....for those who need an edumacation....

I suppose someone else had an idea that didn't know 2X4 so it didn't get crapped on....

This from the San Diego Tribune....ok..someone else had a similar idea....I love it.
There might be alot to learn from them and they don't appear to be using the Camel's milk at this time. hmmm.....

DROMEDARY DATES
Arabian camels are home on the range at Ramona ranch
May 15, 2005
Underneath the canopy of a sprawling oak tree on the grounds of his Ramona ranch, Gil Riegler is talking about his camels.
Camels in Ramona?
Advertisement
Yes, 14 of them, to be exact.
Riegler, along with his wife, Nancy, own the Oasis Camel Dairy, about eight miles east of downtown Ramona. And since they bought the ranch 11/2 years ago, they have been operating what is believed to be the first and only camel dairy in the United States.
The Rieglers' camels, however, aren't farmed for milk that's for human consumption. The milk is used to make soap, which the Rieglers sell for $4 for a 2-ounce bar and $7 for a 4-ounce bar. They come in six scented varieties, including lavender, orange blossom and the camel-appropriate gold, frankincense and myrrh.
To make camel milk fit for human consumption, Riegler says, "we need about $100,000." That's what he estimates it would cost to set up a state-of-the-art pasteurization plant.
They're not quite there yet, but the business is growing. There are plans to open a gift shop next year on the 34-acre property.
For now, though, the Rieglers are focused on their camels and the nearly 50 other animals they have on the property. They offer one-hour public tours, which include up-close camel encounters.
Their camels – classified as dromedaries because of their one hump – are used to the attention. They have been featured on the cable network Animal Planet, and the birth of one – Gulliver – was chronicled on the show "That's My Baby."
The Rieglers often are on the road with some of their camels, taking them to corporate events and fairs. During the Christmas season, the Rieglers – and their camels – are busy with camel requests for nativity scenes throughout the region.
On this particular Saturday, though, the camels are quite content traipsing through the ranch's lush fields. A few of them, however, see the visitors and make their way closer to the fence, craning their necks for a look.
Part of the Rieglers' mission is to educate the public about camels and dispel some of the myths surrounding the animals. Camels are gentle and sensitive animals – so gentle and sensitive that the Rieglers have used camels in therapeutic programs for the physically challenged.
"Camels are intelligent and smart," says Gil Riegler, wearing a brown jacket emblazoned with the words "Got Camel Milk?"
"They're perfect."
– MICHAEL JAMES ROCHA
OASIS CAMEL DAIRY

I'm going to visit them next time I'm in San Diego.

Getting Closer to Camel's Milk Cheese

Ok...I found the Mauritian dairy that produces the Camel Dairy Products (among other) and the issue seems to be one of logistics and government regulations. Not alot of proper refrigeration facilities at Nouakchott airport, in Mauritius. The milk has a shelf life of 8-10 days if kept refrigerated. So you'd lose a few days to travel in the import process. Basically, I guess you'd drink it right off the plane or something.

The cheese, however, seems to hold up well. The milk doesn't respond like cow's milk does to churning, and typical cheesemaking technique so they've added a curdling agent to turn it into cheese and apparently they've been quite successful. I also found an article or two mentioning how it's coming to NYC in March/ April 08. But, so far, I haven't found anything. Now I HAVE to try it.

Let me know what you find. Thanks.

Camel's Milk Cheese

You would think in NYC we have everything.

I had an interesting conversation with one of the doormen from a property I manage. He is from Morocco and was waxing poetic about Camel's milk, and how every week he goes to Key Food and asks if they have it. I am sure they look at him like he's crazy. He'd like to know where to find it, and while he was describing camel's milk I was sort of grossed out. He mentioned they make CHEESE out of it and now he's got my full attention. Now I need to find some, and I can't seem to locate any in NYC.

For all of you who think you are soooo smart, yes, I've already googled Camel's Milk and Camel Cheese, etc. Apparently this stuff is high in protein, low in lactose and cholesterol and quite good for you. People who can't tolerate cow's milk would be able to "enjoy" a nice tall glass of camel's milk. Again, Camel Cheese...nice. Camel's milk...I don't know,....but ok..I'd try it if I had the chance.

I am now familiar with two Camel Cheese names: Caravane (supposed to be THE Camel's Milk Cheese to have) and Camelbert...hahah, get it? Camelbert? hahahah.....

It's made by Mauritians. Of COURSE I know what a Mauritian is. They're from Mauritius..EVERYONE knows that.... Some of my best friends are Mauritian. Jeez. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mauritius )

Anyhoo...I'd like to know where to find some. In NYC or online. I don't know how well it travels, so that might be the issue.

I Saw A Bear.

There I was, minding my own business in the backyard. I was sitting on the back steps reading, when suddenly a large black shape emerged from the woods. A black bear, ambled across the lawn, paying me no mind whatsoever, even though I was about 30 feet away. He had to know I was there, he just appeared unconcerned. (The photo is not the actual bear I saw, but representative of the bear.)

I stayed frozen in my spot, not knowing what the "bear protocol" is..."Do they eat people? Will they attack? What should I do??? Should I go get my camera? He doesn't look spooked but will he attack me if I move?"...all rushed through my head, but for the most part, I couldn't get over how frigging COOL it was to see a bear in the yard.

We've had the house for 4 years and I've seen deer (and I never get over how cute they are) and I've seen a myriad of birds, decked out in wonderful colors and patterns of each species' aviary outerwear, raccons, and other small wildlife and birds of prey. We have, during the last year, noticed more frequent and prominent "bear doodies" on the lawn. Frequently, they are full of berries and what appear to be bug shells, and they are huge. But we have never seen the bear. (Dood-er, as it were.) I have declined to post a photo of the poops, although, I'm not sure why. I can always talk about poop, but maybe others don't enjoy it as much.

There was no time to grab a camera or move and the whole thing lasted about 2 or 3 minutes, which gave me a good opportunity to watch him as he poked around the log pile in the back, and then was subsequently spooked by a passing car. He ran through our front yard and then back to the other side of the house and into the woods.

Al was up the road, helping a neighbor mow his future apple orchard (yay, free apples), and I ran for what seems like the first time in 20 years, to tell them in case they could come check out the bear, but that bear was long gone.....

It was amazing. That bear didn't make a sound, even while running. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage bears, but I really hope I see him again.

Ohhhh...vacation photos.

We just got back from a week in San Diego. What a blast. I am secretly brainwashing my husband in his sleep, to consider moving back there.

It was awesome. We took about a million vacation photos. Naturally, I look obese and he looks like a burnt tourist. I have documented our trip, using the best photojournalistic techniques available, and hope you are as thrilled with them as we were with our journey.

I promise to make a big fuss over your boring vacation photos if you send me a link. ("here we are next to this thing, and here we are next to That thing...." hahaha)

My camera, shortly before the battery died also managed a couple of video clips, my favorite being in Old Town. The mariachis that were performing there, did a fabulous rendition of Santana's, Black Magic Woman (one of Al's signature showstoppers) and they utilized a violin, who claimed to be playing a Stradivarius. ("copia, copia"...) He painted it himself. :)

** (The video I tried to upload failed.) So here is my photo album. I am still working on captions, etc...but I wanted to share the photos while you're still interested in where we were last week. :)

San Diego 080808

You can make a difference

http://orphansofethiopia.org/

My friends, the Manger-Weils, are talented artists/photographers (http://theuncommonimage.com/) who have over the last few years, raised the money necessary to build an orphanage in Ethiopia. They have gone back and forth visiting the efforts of their labor of love, spent time with the children and the people who are valiantly running the orphanage. Their teenage daughter donated all the money received at her Bat Mitzvah three years ago, to this cause, and has been to visit the orphanage twice and her resulting documentary won entrance into the Teen Short Film category of theprestigious Woodstock film festival. They go back periodically and video the children in the orphanage and provide updates. :) Cool, huh?

I wanted to share what they've done with you, because so often you donate money or sponsor a child or contribute in some way to a cause and you want to know that your money made a difference. Well, I'm proud to say I know people, who helped make something HUGE happen and all contributions go directly to this project, not to some random administration fees under the umbrella of some larger religious organization or something. You may not have the means to sponsor a child, or maybe you do. But I wanted to share what they've done, because 1) I don't know what it may inspire, and 2) if you'd like to help, your contribution is a REAL gesture, not just an anonymous 'drop in the ocean'. You actually impact someone else's life directly.

If you're interested in what they've done, you can check out the website http://orphansofethiopia.org , or contact them through http://theuncommonimage.com/ and talk to them about this wonderful gift they've given and how to get involved on any level. :)

Thanks for reading.

Would you or wouldn't you? continued...

I already decided I would give my boss CPR and mouth to mouth, if required.

I put this same question to my boss. I think if he needed me to give him mouth to mouth or CPR, this would put me in a unique position. Not that I'd ever wish him harm, he's great, but well...I just wanted him to know, he could count on me. But since he'd be getting the breath of life from me, I wanted to know, if I was, say, choking on a piece of Godiva chocolate in the office or something...could I count on him to do the right thing? He said immediately, "Of course."...

which I then had to quantify with the condition that it had to be of medical necessity or something, not just for fun or whatever....he laughed and shook his head (oh as if I'M crazy or something...) I'm just getting organized, is all. Preparing for "whatever". I need to know who's in my corner.

I have earmarked John, the Zen Chinese project manager, in my office as someone who would get the breath of life from me. He's nice, vegetarian (no hocking up a cigarette pack sized piece of steak or anything) and is generally worth saving.

Mario, the new guy, sure, no problem. Nice guy, friendly, helpful, and a very tidy eater, so I'd get no unpleasant surprises there either.

Annie, of course, she's fun, totally necessary and would totally deserve CPR from me, although I'd worry about squashing her. She's tiny. ("Gee,Thanks for reviving me, and the broken ribs..")

Mr. G, my 70 something year old broker, definitely. He takes very good care of himself and is always threatening to commit suicide (kind of ironic, no?) I told him not to do it in the office and to lay down plastic if he really insists on taking his own life, as it's very inconsiderate to kill oneself and leave that kind of mess for others. He agreed.. I'd make sure I revived him, JUST so I could remind him. :)

Alan, the schnorrer, NO WAY. I'm writing "DNR" on his door. Alan would not lift a finger to help anyone, therefore no Breath of Life from me. I suggest he choke or faint on the first floor, because I won't even shove him down the stairs, much less attempt to save him. For what? Does this make me a bad person? I tell you what...I would call 9-1-1. I would get things out of the way so it would be easier for someone else to revive him. Probably John the Zen Chinese project manager would do it. He's nicer than I am. He's the one who got to tell Alan when he was walking around covered in his own excrement. (No lie. The guy managed to crap himself, all over the outside of his pants and on his back and belt. It looked like he'd been assaulted by a chocolate cupcake.)

Incidentally, speaking of all things excremental (always. It always comes back to poop.), Annie and I were lamenting the person who keeps leaving little shredded pieces of torn toilet paper in the bathroom for other people to pick up. I explained that when I sit down, I cleanly tear the paper, so I don't end up littering the floor with tissue scraps. She explained that BEFORE she sits down, she TEARS OFF WITH TWO HANDS, EXACTLY THE AMOUNT SHE'S GOING TO NEED!

How efficient! How organized. She has totally changed the way I use the facilities and now I think about her "system" everytime I'm in there. Nice to always know how much you're going to need. I'm not always so accurate...hahhaa. I know TMI.

Would you or wouldn't you?

While I edit all the photos from our San Diego trip to make myself look thin...ponder the question that went around the office today?

Would you give your boss CPR, Mouth-to Mouth recuscitation? What about the other people in your office?

Discuss.

Perhaps I should just hang up now..

PERHAPS I SHOULD JUST HANG UP NOW....(reposted and edited by popular request)

Part of my job function involves answering a telephone. The other part of my job apparently involves teaching social invalids, basic communication/ office skills.

This blog should be titled,
" HOW TO BE A SUCCESS ON THE PHONE",
or
"GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T HANG UP RIGHT NOW!"
Still working on it. I better start with the rules:

TO CALLERS:
1) When I say "Good Morning, Company "X",.... You are now, "ON THE AIR"....
Now's your big, fat opportunity to tell me to whom you wish to speak, ask your question, or basically just get on with it....

DON'T give me dead air, DON'T be having a conversation with someone else, and DON'T yell into your speaker phone unintelligibly from across the room.
I will hang up on you. Not because I'm mad. But to give you a second chance to get it right.

2) Don't ask me to "Guess Who"...Guess why?
I DON"T CARE.
You were the one that called. Presumably you wanted something. If I were a psychic, I would have called you. That pretty much settles that.

3) If YOU ARE A TELEMARKETER......and you want to sell me something, don't act like we're friends. Because we're not.
I get 1,000 sales calls a day. Give me the information you can, let me politely say no, take me off your list and have a nice day.
If you can't do that...and won't give me a supervisor when I ask for one, be advised, that I too, work on the phone, have a chip on my shoulder, and am gifted with mild stalking tendencies, so I will *69 the phone if I don't already have your company name and probably get you fired, because I wrote down your name when you called, jerkweed.

4) If you are a telemarketer and you want my respect, come up with something cooler than me....like this...
A guy calls up, offers X,Y, Z service. I say "no thank you, please take us off your list"... and he goes, "TSK TSK TSK....now I'm gonna have to put you on our list of BAD BUSINESSES..."
So I ask, "what's that mean?" and he says, "IT MEANS, YOU SUCK."
I was speechless. And concerned. It's possible that I might actually suck.

5) If you WANT TO TALK TO MY BOSS,
DON"T be a WISEASS.
You know he doesn't know you. You know I know he doesn't know you. Don't pretend you lost his cell number because, I won't give it to you. Not because I'm not allowed to, but just because I want to see how hard you will work for it. If you play the game right, I will give it to you. If you don't...I will throw your message away.
DON"T ask me when I expect him, because I don't. He sneaks up on us to make sure we're working.

6) IDENTIFY YOURSELF.
I will answer your jackass question with another jackass question until you tell me who you are and what you want from my life. Don't get offended either, because as you will recall, I know that you are NOBODY, who doesn't know my boss.

7) Be REEEEEALLLLY nice.
Any calls that start off, "YOU PEOPLE....", probably won't get you the response you wanted.
Neither will any calls that start out, "Accounts Payable, Please....."

8) Don't PRESUME that because I'm a woman and I answered the phone pleasantly that:
a) I am pleasant
b) I work for you
c) If I say, " Would you like SO AND SO's voicemail?"....that I would be equally as happy to take a message for SO and SO. I would not. That's why I offered you the voicemail. He's a complete prick. You called him, and say you're his friend, so you are a prick, too.
Leave him whatever message you want all private and comfy on his voicemail. Talk as much as you want about porn, being drunk, crashing whatever party no one wanted you at or whatever you would talk about with someone as nasty as that...but I'm not writing any of your crap down, getting off my equally as important ass, to discuss your waste of a message.
I don't work for him, could care less if he gets your message, and since I'm not speaking to him, giving him your message is out of the question. Sorry. The only reason he didn't pick up his extension is that his phone is buried under 3 feet of garbage and newspapers; like one those people you've read about who had to be rescued from his home, because the paper piled up too high and he couldn't find the door. dick.

9) If for some reason, I am required to put you on hold, and you decide to hang up because your party didn't answer IMMEDIATELY.....
Don't call back and tell me, "Oh, I got disconnected." No you didn't. You hung up. I saw you. Back in line you go.
Don't call me up with that tone,(YOU know the one), and whine, " I was waiting for X...and you LEFT me on hold..."
Hold is where you go, when I set the phone down to tell X he has a call. I don't have magic powers to MAKE him take your call.
And if you had stayed on hold rather than completely unravel, you would have known that after 2 minutes, I did check back to tell you his line was engaged and you had already panicked about your self worth and hung up.
I didn't LEAVE you anywhere. You are responsible for your own issues. Get therapy.

10) If you are EATING, SNIFFLING,COUGHING, or making some other nasty, mucus-y noise in my ear when I pick up the phone, I will do absolutely the same thing to you, just to gross you out, right before I transfer you. Or hang up. Depends on what I hear.

Just when you thought it couldn't get worse....

Ok...so if you've read this long winded whine session since the beginning, you may recall that my husband's ex-wife, (we'll call her MARY), allowed her teenage son, then 17, to sleep over at his girlfriend's house several night a week. This was done behind his father's back, because his father was very vocal in his disapproval.

The girlfriend, was 15 when they started dating, and HER mother was a companion for an elderly person and slept away from home 3 or so nights a week at least. She had no problem with her daughter's boyfriend staying over several nights a week in her daughter's room. The girlfriend was turning 16 in the 9th grade, having been left back a couple of times.

You know where this is going, right? No one reading this has any illusions about the ultimate outcome of this situation, right? Well, in case my hints are too subtle, ultimately the teenage son, gets his 9th grade girlfriend pregnant around Thanksgiving. The kids wait a week or two to say anything, and then tell my husband's ex-wife, MARY, (oh...let's just use her real name....ASSHOLE)....about a week and a half before Christmas.

There are several phone calls from that household to ours, from Thanksgiving until about New Year's, requesting money, drunken rants from Asshole and "Asshat" (Asshole's Boyfriend). But does anyone tell my husband, as they are LEGALLY REQUIRED TO DO....that his son has gotten his girlfriend pregnant? Nooooo....they finally tell us AFTER NEW YEAR'S!!! and his son can't understand why we're freaked out that this girl WANTS TO HAVE THE BABY!!!!!!

There is so much wrong here I don't know where to start. So I won't.

We call there and speak to her about her options. We encourage her to have an abortion. We offer to pay for it. We talk to her mother, who's pretty beside herself (oh...ok....you didn't see this coming?) and through her tears and sniffles and whatnot, and she says she can't believe the girl is pregnant.

Well, flash forward to last week. She had the baby. He's very cute. A healthy boy named Cayden. (or Caiden...not sure) and it looks just like my stepson. ( Iwas realllllly hoping it would be Black or Asian)

She was going to call him "ZYLAN" but we told my husband's son that it sounded like prescription medication. ("Oh look how big "ZOLOFT" is getting....oh isn't CIALIS adorable?" "Be right back, I have a headache and I need to take a "ZYLAN")

The girl is in Indiana and he left home in Florida to be there for the delivery and is helping take care of the baby....He's a very proud father and we're trying to be supportive. He's told me so much about breast milk that I think he's now certified as some sort of expert in the field.

We have sent money and necessities, and call regularly to talk to him. It's completely awkward, because how do we call her to say "Congratulations!!!" when we know what their lives are going to be like in the next few years. Oh yeah, and "HI, remember us? We're the ones who called you to talk you into an abortion....congratulations!!!"

So as you would expect, the "baby mama"really hasn't had anything to say to us. We don't know anything about her other than she and her mother used to smoke alot of pot until they quit a couple of years ago... That this girl's father was killed while he was riding in the open passenger window frame of a car, when he fell out, landing on his head.... (What do you say to someone when they tell you this?)

We know we used to see her G-stringed ass on all her myspace photos and she doesn't ever smile. That's all we really know about her. And that she lives with her mother and elderly grandmother in Indiana. Hopefully, she'll go back and COMPLETE THE NINTH GRADE.

I know it's not at all about me...
Really I do.

It's just so...I don't know..."trailer". And now, like my husband's exwife Asshole, his son's baby mama is now in our lives forever. Please God, don't let them have ANOTHER ONE.

I think this makes me a step-grandmother or something, and I'm not even 40. Or a mother.

Greeeeeeeeeeeat.

Congratulations, Waiter!!!

I'd never been to a book signing before, but after being a longtime reader and commenter on Waiter Rant (waiterrant.net), and seeing the wonderful article on "The Waiter", in the Post, I knew I couldn't miss his book signing.

He was engaging, funny, articulate, down to earth...truly grateful for the wonderful response his writing has generated (not to mention the media attention)...and it was really nice to get to share his moment.

The questions people asked were thoughtful and enthusiastic, and I thought his response to mine ("Would you ever own a restaurant?") was entertaining and greatly appreciated by his audience.
As there were a couple of television cameras filming the book signing , I made sure to cheat myself towards the camera (Drama 101) and put on my most enthralled and "involved" face. I wanted to make sure he got good "reaction" shots and oh yeah, I'm a complete ham.


Congratulations Waiter, on a very successful book signing! :)

A Stepmother Recharging.

Ok...so I'm good for awhile. The stepdaughter and one of her brothers went back to Florida. She'll be there for a month, so I get to spend some "grown up" time with Dad and we'll go to San Diego in a couple weeks. I can't wait....

I've been rereading my posts (decided that's a bad idea) and I think I look like an insane person. I'm actually ok with it, because I'm an insane person who's writing bad things and not doing bad things. I'm certain I have alienated all but one reader (Hi Mom.) but for the time being I seem to have exorcised some demons.

I don't want you to get the wrong impression (hahahha), my life is not complete chaos, and I have seen some improvement. People are attempting to follow my house rules, and that makes me happy. Most of the rules involve bathroom etiquette, and are posted for you here.

1) Don't leave dishes in the sink for me when I come home.

2) Refill the *(&^$*&^@#& ice cube tray.
(It's 800 degrees out, so there better be ice left for me.)

3) Take your hair out of the drain after you shower.
(If I can do it, and I have about 15 pounds of long, rope-like brown hair then you can too.)

4) When the toilet paper is empty, change the roll and throw out the empty cardboard roll.
(This one has proven particularly troublesome... I stock extra toilet paper conveniently for all and yet, somehow, I am always the one desperately trying to peel the glue-y last sheet off the empty tube. Someone seems to be trying, so I am reserving judgement on the progress of this one.)

5) When in doubt, use the bathroom spray, and give a "courtesy flush".
(Seriously, after these people use the bathroom, you have to REPAINT. And they constantly leave "surprises"...wtf?!!)

6) When I call you for dinner, stop what you are doing (No one is doing brain surgery or answering 9-1-1 calls here, so I feel my attmepts at meal presentation should take priority) and DO NOT CRITICIZE THE FOOD. It took me just as long to screw up dinner as it did to crank out a good one, so recognize the effort and eat it, or nominate yourself for "Chief Cook and Bottlewasher". Amen.

7) When I ask you nicely to do something, don't say "no." (Your health and safety are at risk.)

8) Speak English. I realize that EVERYONE, talks like a gangsta, but you are not a gangsta. Gangstas do not live on the Upper East Side of Manhattan and if they do, they blenddddddd. I don't go to the "hood" and drop my final consonants, and get all up in people's "grills" and the like...(yo, like whaddeva..what's wich u?) ...so I'm insisting on English in my house. Hoity toity British accent is a plus. ("O Fahth-ah...it looks like a GLORIOUS day for a ride in the Cahn-tray.")

9) No food in the bathroom. Ever. If you'd seen what I'd seen, you'd understand the reason for the rule.
(I totally just threw up in my mouth a little bit. .Oh yeah, just to be on the safe side, don't let the kids make you a sandwich.)

10) No boys in the house. Ok. NO ONE (except registered legal occupants) in the house when I'm not home. It's not that I don't trust you, but the last boy I found in the house, was hiding in my bathroom with no clothes on and my bed was all messed up...so I think we can all see where I'm going with this.
(My husband won't let me get a hidden camera. Maybe I'll get one and hide it from HIM ..hahahahah. "Smile into the alarm clock, Sweetie")

That's about it. I don't have rules that are impossible or vague. They are done for the welfare of our little community here. If I'm over the top, let me know. If I'm missing any, let me know and I'll add them.

Your cooperation is greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.

The Management

Vagina Vagina Vagina. Will you hold my purse? Pass me a tampon, please.

There. That should keep the men off the page.

I have been blogging my FEELINGS that randomly occur as a consequence to signing up for step-motherhood. I am not looking to start trouble, nor do I intend to be a mouthpiece for ALL stepmothers. I know there's probably one or two, who have a perfect situation...I just have never heard of one or met one.

That being said, I seem to have struck a chord...hahah.

DISCLAIMER: If there are still any biological parents reading this, please know that all stepmothers everywhere are thrilled to have the responsibility and privilege of helping support and raise your darling angels. We would never dream of criticizing them, ever. They are wonderful children, really....

That being said....I don't know WHERE some of these dark, and violent feelings of hostility and resentment come from. Sure, it's not all the time....but when they do, they need to be expressed, otherwise, I might not react as reasonably and lovingly as you normally witness.

I am entrusted with the care of my husband's teenage daughter, whose life was previously derailed by her dimwit of an alcoholic mother. I have to hold my husband somewhat accountable for enabling her horseshit for so long, although I think the courts give fathers a raw deal, and he was doing the best he could at the time, and is a VERY involved father....as an ex-wife myself, I know that ex-wives don't SUDDENLY become bitches. This transformation usually takes awhile, and there is usually an ex-husband involved to inspire the mutation.

I didn't get that way all by myself.

Having gotten older and wiser, I am more respectful and observant of my own boundaries and the more I honor them, the best it's been for everyone involved.

There are times, however, when the borders of those boundaries are breached, and the need to not react is critical...

There is not much "support" for stepparents that I'm aware of, and seriously...who wants to listen to a bunch of whining and complaining from a bunch of masochists who SIGNED UP FOR THIS.

I don't want to be a martyr. I'd really like to make this work for everyone and have it be a GOOD experience. I'd like to say I benefit in some way as well. I need to put all my "observations" somewhere or else people will get hurt. If I've managed to touch a nerve or bring an issue into focus that someone else recognizes as their own, well...good for me.

There needs to be a way to talk about this stuff, so children don't get hurt, and so stepmothers get to keep their dignity.

:) Read at your own risk.

Ways to Get Even, Part 2

I am not naming names ,to protect the anonymity of those whose ideas I've hijacked for this post, but let's just say that SOME of YOU, have some pretty fucked up ways of retaliating for wrongs you have suffered at the hands of others. SOME of YOU don't differentiate between misdemeanors and capital offenses and the punishments almost never fit the crime. They are way over the top.

That being said, is it really so wrong? To kill a fly with a sledgehammer? If people knew how bad you were going to get them back, they'd think twice about starting any crap. A zero tolerance policy, if you will.

So...if you are out of creative ways to punish someone passive agressively, or just plain ole' aggressive/aggressively...feel free to consider some of these ideas. (LEGAL DISCLAIMER>>>) I said CONSIDER...not DO. I am not taking any responsibility for stupid things YOU do, as I barely take responsibility for the stupid things I do....(that's the beauty of this plan)...

1) Clean the toilet with their toothbrush. (If you are not much of a housekeeper...just dip the toothbrush in the bowl. It's symbolic and often has the same effect on the "dipper").

2) Pee in their shampoo. (Dude.)

3)*** (This requires about a 1/2 hour of setup) Spend about 20 bucks to buy some really hardcore porn. Or just "not what they're into" porn. (If they're straight, make it gay..and vice versa) Make yourself a nice label with their name, address, fake bar code...fake LAST ISSUE !!!! Notice....and put it in their mailbox... or better, someone else's mailbox...a neighbor, if they live in an apartment building...even better if sent to their job.....

This lets them think they have a subscription to XYZ porn mag, and they can act all outraged and try and cancel, or sputter and deny to their neighbors..."What???This isn't mine???".. If you are feeling really creative you can get the number to a magazine and let them have fun trying to cancel the "FREE YEAR SUBSCRIPTION" that will be coming....

4) Here's a "DON'T" for the list: Don't mail poop to anyone. The police call that "aggravated harrassment." Don't ask me how I know, just learn the lesson.

5) Cut the sleeves and/or crotches out of their clothes. (Usually reserved for cheaters or people who aren't inclined to argue back publicly.)

....to be continued.....

Ways to Get Even...by Your Loving Stepmother

PART 1

I know you look at me and think that all that crap I said to you about wanting what's in your best interests was all heartfelt, etc.... I forgot to tell you that I am an award winning actress and the rights to my story, "A Stepmothers Unending Kvetch" are being optioned.

You probably think I'm trying to make a responsible adult out of you.

You probably think I enjoyed emailing and calling the school for your various infractions and subpar performance in class all fucking year.

I'm sure you thought I cared when you stormed out all upset because you didn't get your way.

You think I am not resentful when we pay for groceries, hair products, toiletries, books, dinners out, clothing, things for your ever discussed vagina,I don't know...stuff...wherever our money just goes.

I don't know...I think I've changed my whole way of looking at this position I've signed up for.
YOU are not my kid. I make NO less money if you embarrass yourself by failing out of school or dating retards. Yes, I have a code of conduct in my house....(for those of you just tuning in..check out last month's post about dropping F-bombs at your parents...ha.) which is totally non negotiable... but I am TOTALLY handing over the big decisions to....(big introduction...) YOUR FATHER!!!!! YAY!!!!!

I will defer to him in all matters relating to you. I will never give you a straight answer and when you THOUGHT you had an ally, I will turn you over to the man with the plan...your dad. It'll be good for him too. Plus, I get to be "the fun one", the "good guy" for awhile....

You have forfeited my support. You have used up your quota of my attention this year on your ridiculousness when it could have been for great stuff. No problem.

Mr. Nic's 80th Birthday

Day Two, the Silence Continues

Ah, Peace and Quiet. Last night, Al took the kids out, and they went to dinner, and he felt bad about not including me, but I was really happy not to be included. I got to keep the phone appointments I had cancelled due to the previous night's teenage bullshit.

I'm glad. He needs to spend alone time with them, and I need to not deal with anybody else's crap for awhile.

This is something I was never good at. I always wanted to "fix" everything, and my natural positive "Oh don't worry, we can handle it" attitude always overrode my common sense and self preservation instincts.

I haven't talked to my stepdaughter since she decided to storm out of the house( after dropping F-bombs all over the place) and make dinner 3 hours late, (we ate without her and had a lovely meal, even though it was not as planned.). I'm not interested in communicating with someone who can't control herself and I don't want to hear her excuses.

She needs to do a whole lot of unselfish good deed type activities on behalf of the household, because I am seriously DONE for awhile. I've let her live in my house, given her more support(emotionally and financially) in one year than she's ever received from her mother in 16 years, and if she resents it, or chooses not to appreciate it then I am not participating further.

She has indicated to her father that she needs to apologize to me, but frankly, it doesn't mean anything anymore. I know she's trying to get him to pay for her ticket to Florida to see her mother, which we told her and her asshole mother that we refuse to pay for. She has to earn it. I want her to act like a human. I want to not have some totally fabricated asshattery in my house, once a week. I presume an apology is forthcoming.

I plan to not deal with her until next week, if at all possible. My husband doesn't like the friction and is one of those people who thinks when there's an upset, it should just be dropped and people should move on....however, I end up feeling (regardless of whether or not it's true) that my feelings are being discounted and I expect a resolution.

I plan to only do what I need to do for the next week. My nights are full, scanning and editing old photos for a DVD for my father in law's surprise 80th birthday party, planning menus, MY OUTFIT, (they can all go nekkid, for all I care, but I plan to look fabulous.) and party decorations.

I have no time for other people's drama this week. I totally "Full". To here.

My New Haircut

Hilarious character.

Did I mention that being a stepmother sucks?

Ok...

So this week the stepdaughter's brothers (2), are up visiting from Florida. They are nice enough and we had a decent weekend upstate. Nice weather.

Oh yeah decent, all right.......it could have been nicer, except a certain stepdaughter decided to lie about going to Chemistry Regents tutoring last week...she wasn't there, because she didn't have enough credits to take the test. So rather than tell us, she SAYS she goes to tutoring, but actually she's hanging out in the park with some piece of shit kid. All my bullshit meters were going off, so I call the tutoring center, and SHO NUFF, they haven't seen her.

So she walks in the door after "TUTORING" and I say...

Me: How was tutoring?

She: Fine.

Me: Is it getting any easier? What are you guys working on?

She: the tutor wasn't there today, so we did a practice test and it helped alot.

Me: Really.

She: Yeah.

Me: No, really.

She: Yeah.

Me: So you think you're prepared for the test next week?

She: Yeah.

Me: Are you sure you were there?

She: Yeah.

Me: REALLY. (Big hint at this point that I fucking know something, right? but Nooooo...)

She: Yeah.

Me: REALLLY. ARE YOU SURE YOU WERE THERE?

She: (Quietly) Um, no.

Me: Um, yeah, because THEY were pretty SURE they didn't see YOU.

And then I moved the fan from the other room and next to her, and listened to the gentle splatting sound it made as the shit hit it.

If this were the first time I caught her lying, I'd be upset...and I have the expectation that kids lie a little. But her lies are so easily undone. She has no problem telling them, and thinks she can justify her behavior by saying "I only lie a little bit."

You know what's weird? I was married before, to an alcoholic, Russian maniac...and I never found myself as ENRAGED as I get at this kid. I never really lost it on him. And I've never really lost it on her...(Oh yeah, except for the time I came home early and caught her with her half naked Dominican boyfriend, kitted out in his wife beater T and his boxers, trying to blend into my completely white bathroom walls. Then I lost it. Freaking. Screaming. Shrieking, etc. The Works.) Until now.

Basically, I always have the right answer and I stay calm. We can't ALL be adolescents. Well, this time I lost it. Something about the lying. Her general lack of integrity. Her commitment to AVERAGENESS, her limp, numb refusal to discuss anything, but what she wants and needs and how she goes to the clinic because she wants birth control and how she wants to make sure she always has a nice pink vagina and how she's going to really get her game up in school because she's concerned about college. I'm sorry, what? were you telling me about your vagina? Great. I hear the word vagina about 4 times a day, and that's about 3 times more than I've EVER SAID IT.

Vaginas are like Canada. They're there. We know it. Some people really like it. We'd never know if there was anything wrong with it, and NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT.


And then she won't tell me why she's ditching the tutoring when SHE herself signed up for it. We didn't force her. Vaginas, sure. But tutoring...can't talk, she has stress, she says. (I'll give her fucking stresssss) So after all the lying was exposed, etc...That's when I found out she wouldn't qualify for the test. I was trying to figure out why she's so committed to being average, but my rage overcame me.

I'm sick of her lying. And then being "sorry" and saying she doesn't know why she does it. She must like being grounded. I can't say as I understand it, but give her the choice of doing the right thing and getting privileges, or doing the wrong thing and getting busted, she'll choose the dumbass thing EVERY TIME.

So.....that brings us to today. It's her last day of school. Her brothers are waiting for her to get home so they can all make some plans. She comes home, takes her laptop out of her father's dresser drawer (where it's been while she's been groundedBECAUSE SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO USE IT, no myspace, etc.) plugs it in and leaves it out on our bed, (duh) then goes out.

She comes back for a bit, then jets out with her friends...leaving her two brothers at home....until we get home about 6:40. She's not back yet. Which is interesting because she KNOWS what time we get home. And that we'll be pissed if she's not there. Especially because we'd all like to go eat dinner and she's ..um...where? (asshole)

So she comes in, and right away she's got an attitude. She tells her dad she's sorry, and then says, "well, at least I didn't LIE when you asked where I was"....

Her father tries to tell her that she's not supposed to just abandon her brothers and take off to do whatever she wants, no phone call, nothing, help herself to the computer, which she's not been allowed to use, and she goes OFF...like some sort of wannabe, Spanish Harlem ghetto asshole...."Why you steppin up on me dad? What's tha matta wich u?" or some garbage...and he tells her what she's done is wrong...

She tries out a few shut ups and fuck you dads....( She wasn't fully invested in the f-bombs, but they were there.)

OK>...commercial break.<<< Could you ever in your life, imagine telling one of your parents to SHUT UP or FUCK YOU and live to tell about it??? No, I didn't think so.

I give my husband so much credit. He didn't yell. He didn't raise his voice. He tells her he's not participating in a conversation with someone who speaks the way she does. Now she's DEMANDING counselling, To-MOR-ROW...or else, (this is now the excuse for her lack of control), and he better arrange it. My husband tells her no, that's not part of his plan for tomorrow and while he'll arrange it, it will need to be on his schedule...

She rants on about some shit about how he never listens...etc...and what's interesting to me, is that her mother is a completely vodka-soaked piss stain of a person....slurring her words, and incoherent after 6pm....and she wants to complain that WE dont' listen to her....

I had to cancel a couple of appointments I had with people as I didn't want to have phone conversations with some unpredictable idiot mouthing off in the background, and I indicated to my husband as such.

She apparently took offense to that. She suggested we (everyone but her) all leave the house so she can calm down...(from the upset SHE started, in which no one participated...AMAZING.)

We were disinclined to acquiesce to her request. So we stay put.

She says if she can't go to Florida in August (which was the plan, although we are now NOT paying for it...fuck you very much) we won't be able to go to San Diego. And we say "fine".

She ended up leaving. The weather started to turn, so we went to shut the windows..and it started POURING outside. Which is when she left. My husband went to look for her as did her older brother. They didn't find her. Her stupid friends didn't know where she was. And about an hour and a fucking half later, she turns up. I see her just STROLLING down the block, and we all decided, fuck it....let's just order dinner without her. (It's now 8:30 and she's pretty much ruined any chance we have at a normal dinner.)

She comes in....doesn't speak to any of us...makes a snack and goes to bed. We tell her mother,(drunken cow) that we're not paying for her trip to Florida. (which will seriously impact my husband's and my planned trip to San Diego if we have to sit around babysitting her.) Her mother gets upset...and I point out:

1) We don't reward people who act like assholes.
2) If she's that upset, why doesn't she ask her daughter why she doesn't want to visit her, since she was very obvious in her desire to get in trouble and lose the privilege of a plane ticket.
3) She's more than welcome to do nice things for people who tell her to go fuck herself, but we don't choose to.

And while she's busy pointing out how she's going to really be tough on her...I remind her "You work all day and are passed out by 6:30pm...how do you think she GOT like this?

Her mother slurringly tells me she "duuuuzzn't do thatddt shit anymore", and I point out," but you're drunk right now!"

"WHAAAAT??!!!" As if she is surprised that she's drunk.

And I say "SURE you are. We can all tell. We just were waiting for you to figure it out. "

"Oh...ok..."

Yeah.

So this kid is in bed now. Her brothers are playing XBOX. Her dad and I aren't really sure what we're supposed to do. She's off school. We can't keep her in if we're at work. But I personally, am not speaking to her until she does something appropriate.

She actually told her school counselor that we don't trust her or appreciate her. (The counselor laughed a bit as she told me this. And she said she told her that she needs to earn this trust.)

But, I don't appreciate her. Not a bit. She's a fucking pain in the ass. I'm using all the restraint I have. There is nothing new in teenage world. It's just the same shit.

But the stress is really getting to me. I'm trying to get pregnant and this isn't helping. I totally want to ship her off to the Navy, but I don't think they'd take her. Oh, she feels plenty stupid. I heard her sniffling and crying to her mother that she wants to talk to her dad in private...but after the whole, unsolicited "Fuck you, Dad" and "Shut up" etc...(repeatedly, mind you)...she's lost her audience.

I seriously hope when I wake up, she's graduated and moved out.

The most personally insightful survey ever. Now you know all my secrets. as if.

Twobuyfour wanted to get to know his readers better. Having known me since high school, I suppose there's SOOO much left to know, but I took a crack at his thought provoking survey, and I presume there's something sort of psychologically/ pathologically indicative in the answers, but hopefully, a screensaver is just a screensaver...

1. What is your screensaver? At work, funky photo I took near the house upstate. Used to be Al at a benefit concert...maybe I'll change it now that you mention it. At home..nada.

2. Has your photo ever been a screensaver for someone else? Probably a couple people and probably for totally opposite reasons.

3. How long have you been blogging? Two weeks.

4. Do you like cats or dogs better? Dogs. True, they bark, but Cats puke up hairballs in your shoes and insist on setting their little pink buttholes on the counter.

5. What song would you sing for me if you could? I used to be a big Matchbox 20 (Rob Thomas) fuh-reak and I sang PUSH or SMOOTH, every chance I got at Karaoke...but for YOU, if I were forced to, I'd probably sing some songs by They Might Be Giants. (Istanbul, not Constantinople) fun songs that you can't criticize, because you would judge me and I would have to get you back, bad. Which would suck for you, totally.

6. Have you ever eaten cheese wiz right from the can into your open mouth? There's ANOTHER way to eat it??

7. If you were an insect which one would you be?
The kind people don't squoosh or hit with newspapers or spray crap on. Most people tolerate butterflies. I could easily be one of those. Butterflies don't do anything gross, like eat other nasty things, or squirt stuff, or have 800 eyes.... they're like leaf eating, flying fowers. Who wouldn't want to be that? There's a cool one with "eyes" on it, that make it look like an owl so animals won't eat it...

I know hummingbirds aren't insects, but they are smaller than some insects I've seen, very quick and rather badass, so I'd consider being one of those if butterflies were taken.

No, people don't do that.

So, I get this call from an acquaintance of mine. I speak to her frequently and she has spent the past year breaking from a painful and abusive relationship, although she still communicates with her exboyfriend. He is an alcoholic, cokehead, narcissistic, sociopath, but other than that he's a complete asshole.

Soooo.....I have been laughing all week over the following conversation.

Her: So he's drunk, naturally, and he tells me, "You know, sometimes, a guy lets another guy suck his dick, you know, because he needs the money..." and I say, "What? NO they don't. People don't do that, JUST because they need the money..."

Me: (laughing) "well, apparently SOME people do."

Her: Well, then he goes on to tell me that he's slept with over 350 women in his lifetime. 350 WOMEN!!

Me: He says he's slept with 350 women and that's an impressive number.
But he sucks ONE dick....Guess which number is now more impressive?


Thank you...Thank you...I'll be here all week.

ShamWoW!!!

I find this guy oddly compelling. Like he's talking JUST to me. This Vince. And his ShamWows.

Sooner or later we all by SOMETHING off the TV. I just purchased SpaceSaver bags and will let you know hot they work out...

This will be my next purchase. I think I need these things.

As Seen on TV

Brain Cramp

I thought I'd have all this nifty stuff to tell you, and now that twobuyfour has "hyped" me, I figured I'd trot out all the goods. That being said, after two days of blogging...I have "writer's block". I suppose it happens to the best of them...but if you think that having nothing to say, would keep me from talking?...ha...you've much to learn.

I can talk the ears off a brass monkey.

So...oh I know....Ok..today at work...I work with this really nice girl, whom I'll call "Susie" (not her real name). I also work with a very cranky, but kindhearted broker"Mr. X", who has a sense of humor so dry, well...he's not funny.
Mr. X likes to challenge us, with vocabulary words, word problems, hypothetical situations, etc... and he has been directing more of this attention to Susie lately. When the wordplay isn't going his way, he switches to nonsensical arguments, and uses college words he's fairly sure one won't understand... and well, like siblings who start out "playing"...it just leads to trouble and someone ends up hurt...

Mr. X is well into his 70's and started a "Who's on First?" conversation. "Susie" is Chinese born American and under 30 and had never heard of Abbott and Costello (as many people in generation Y or whatever haven't...), therefore was not understanding the reference. Mr. X tried to tease her about it, but got quite obnoxious in his attempt to challenge her, and became offensive. He called her "culturally inept" and other such ridiculous terms and after a moment or two of this, she became offended. I tried to show her the Who's on First? routine on YouTube, but of course, she was no longer interested, because instead of teasing her, it really just became verbal assault.

I tried to intervene. First playfully, then more strenuously, because I could see that these two were not understanding each other. He went back into his office, she became gradually irate and then stormed out, claiming she was going home, possibly quitting and if so, suing us. (specifically him.)

This all happened in under a minute. And while she DID come back, and upon being told of his "faux pas", Mr. X fell all over himself apologizing...

But the stench of the episode lingers. She is in a violently bad mood. (I don't exactly blame her)
I have tried a bit to cheer her up, but I have also found that people in a really bad mood, don't typically want you cheering them up or hugging them. So we sit, in awkward post blowup civility.

She still looks like she might quit. I'm just gonna sit here and mind my own business.

Idle hands...Idle Minds..what was that saying?

My husband is taking his daughter with him to Florida tomorrow, for her older brother's graduation.

I am trying to figure out what I will do first with my "alone" time:

I will have the TV remotes and I won't even watch TV.

I will read. Uninterrupted reading.

I will yack on the phone with my Mom about nothing for hours without interruption.

I won't give a shit about anyone's grades, teachers, homework, etc.

They flushed WHAT down the toilet?!!

You know, I didn't originally intend to spend my time here ranting about being a stepparent. However, writing about being a stepparent has forced me to really examine the role I play in my own aggravation. By writing about it, I can reflect on her choices and how to better guide her. Blogging allows me to take a step back and release some of that bile that might otherwise cause me to burst an intestine. (again.) It gives me a safe place to put those thoughts of me repeatedly slamming her head in the car door.

But I digress.... I originally intended to write about my work and the random actions of others which might inspire and confound the chance reader of my humble offerings.

Currently, I am, among other things, a Property Manager. Much of my life, I have been in management positions, because I am very good at motivating people to care about doing a good job, thereby increasing productivity/performance. It's gratifying and I like telling people what to do and having them do it. I'm not real big on "no" (grounds for termination) and I make it as rewarding as possible for people who say "yes".

Being a Property Manager allows you to 1) get to tell people what to do, 2) get an upclose and personal look at the creepy things that other humans do when they think people won't notice.

I have a property which has 10 floors. Of those 10 floors, the first two are "commercial tenants" (offices, stores and such) and Floors 3 and higher, have 68 apartments and are all run by a company which specializes in temporary Corporate Housing. Basically, business people come and stay for a month or more in a fully furnished apartment in the city, with some amenities and features of a luxury apartment building. Some amenities. Not all. Some.

I manage the property itself so I receive requests for service for things that the building would maintain...(Lightbulbs in the hallway, paint/repair, plumbing)...and the Corporate Housing company manages most things inside the apartments, (Lightbulbs inside the apartment,Furniture, Cleaning). It's a synergistic relationship that works pretty well. However, no ONE thing breaks at one time. Bunches of things break at a time. This last week was "TOILET WEEK".

Please be reminded that these apartments are APARTMENTS, not hotel rooms. They are supplied with plungers, JUST LIKE AT HOME. For whatever reason, I got tons of "the toilet is BROKEN" calls last week. It's hard to "BREAK" a toilet. Not impossible. But difficult. And what constitutes "broken"? Not flushing? Leaking? Cracked?

Request 1: Tenant in room 407 complains "TOILET IS BROKEN/ WATER NOT GOING DOWN".

Response: I dispatch doorman to see if perhaps he can assist guest by demonstrating plunger technique. (Usually that's all it takes.)

Resolution: After 5 minutes of plunger manipulation, doorman removes from the toilet, the cardboard carton from a box of toothpaste! Tenant claims he did not put it in the bowl. Of course he didn't. I'm sure the toilet came like that.


Request 2: Tenant complains that TOILET IS BROKEN/ WATER NOT GOING DOWN

Response and Resolution: Doorman visits guest and flushes toilet. (No plunger required)

Request 3: The brand new second floor tenant in their newly renovated space (entire floor is a commercial tenant) complains that all TOILETS ARE BACKING UP AND FILLING UP WITH WATER AND EXCREMENT!

Response: Emergency plumber dispatched, locates major clog just below second floor. Opens up pipes and removes several Corporate Housing Apartment's Washcloths!

Apparently, tenants or cleaning staff felt it was OK to flush the washcloths down the bowl, which lodged themselves just below the second floor and basically,everything that went down the waste pipe was backing up into first available floor .....(second floor tenant)

I don't know what's specifically wrong with people. But everyday brings a new surprise. I no longer care for surprises.

"I refuse to let you grow up to be an asshole....even though you're really trying"

Ok...so, I'm back. She apologized and retracted her "You don't know anything about teenagers..." line...she's gone back to being a manageable, sarcastic, somewhat amusing teenager. She has vacuumed, done the dishes, cleaned her room, done her homework, without being asked....

I'd like to share a few things I've learned....

1) Do not ever second guess yourself. Right or wrong, you are the adult, ....therefore you are right.

2) Never assume: Just because they turned in one assignment you thought they were lying about, doesn't mean there's not a whooooooole bunch of overdue unfinished homework waiting to be discovered.

3) Do not ever apologize to them. It's like throwing a bleeding fish to a shark.
You may, however, say things like "I'm sorry you're disappointed..." or if you've really just lost your shit on them, you may say, "I'm sorry for my role in your upset...."

4) Do not EVER let them curse you. Not one time. Flip out. Go crazy. Mean it. Not in your fucking house, ever. Despite what she thinks, there's not a cop in the world who will arrest you. I asked.

5) Reward them with praise when they do what they're supposed to.


What's key here, is that my husband is 100% ok with my draconian parenting tactics. I have authorized her Chemistry teacher to utilize blunt force if necessary. ("OH?...She's talking in class, not doing her work and you can't get her attention? HIT HER WITH THE CHEMISTRY BOOK, and I guarantee it won't happen again.")

Now, I don't want you walking around thinking that I advocate violence as the proper method of stepparenting...but consider it a TOOL.....a valuable TOOOOOOL.

Here's a few things I don't do anymore:

Buy things for people who annoy me.

Make breakfast, lunch or dinner, for people who criticize my cooking. I'm a great cook, and besides, it took me just as much effort to ruin dinner as it did to make a decent meal, so shut up and find something nice to say about it.

I don't buy the groceries you request if: 1) it's garbage, 2) you don't eat it, or 3) you don't help me bag them or bring them in the house. I'm paying for them, so I'm deciding what we get. House Rules.

I also let my husband "handle" the discipline, stern reprimands, etc...There's no rule that says I have to be the "heavy" and he's the "cool one". I want to be the fun one. He's her dad, let him handle her crap. He got really used to me handling everything and as a result, I was "overperforming". I get tired of hearing myself be a bitch and it was really fun to sit back and let him field a few "F-bombs". Could you imagine cursing your parents when you were a teenager, and surviving??

She needs structure. She practically begs for it. I don't get it. I fully believe that kids need to know what's expected of them and this one INSISTS on getting herself grounded and having her privileges revoked. I'd like to let her go "hang out" and manage her own time, except it doesn't work. Maybe it's because she's teenage child of an alcoholic. There's a whole couchful of crap in there and we intend to get to the bottom of it.

She's not a bad kid, really. She can be charming and fun to be around. We've had a rough time motivating her to be productive in school, but in her defense, she was sort of left to her own devices and we are "unlearning" bad habits.

I don't know when I started sounding like an old fart. I guess I just get this sense that it's important I instill certain values in this person and she seems to actually be getting it. I used to teach high school drama and I've been a camp counselor and around kids for years... I"m not without resources....

What I wasn't prepared for was to have to carefully navigate the father/daughter dynamic-- Oh that's a fun one...., it could very easily become "Them" against "Me" but he's pretty supportive and I have learned how to present my criticism of his precious angels, without insulting him, and while still communicating my point.

I don't feel old enough to be a parent, but she considers me one. (When did that happen?)

....to be continued.... or edited...lol.

Being A Stepmother sucks.

There is no other more stressful, unappreciated, bag of shit holding job than that of "stepmother".

I am grateful that the ex lives in another state with two of the kids. Her rampant alcoholism doesn't seem to have done the damage to her two sons (although I'm suuuure it's there) that it's done to her daughter who now lives with us. Her drunken rants on the phone are easily sidestepped, because when she starts that crap, we hang up.

I don't believe that kids,essentially, are bad. In theory. And perhaps, had I known these kids when they were much smaller, this might have been more "fun" (holidays, and outings that help a kid bond to an adult, etc.)...but I got them when they were older, jaded...they visit on holidays and during the summer, and the first couple of days are focused on the material things they want their father to buy them, then some irrational, emotional "acting out" now that they are in a healthy environment where the police aren't called to settle disputes.

Now, it's very easy for the new wife to complain about the old one, I am aware of that. But there was a good 10 years between her and me, so I'd like to think that the things I am disgusted by are largely based on objective observations and my limited contact with her.

First of all, let's talk about the drinking. She doesn't drive, thank God, and the house is clean, but she's one shotgun rack short of being a country western song.

• She drinks and becomes violent and incoherent...nice. The years of drinking have fried her brain and she is now completely and irrationally anxious. We have received many calls for help from the kids and have had to involve the police to ensure everyone's safety. (we're in New York, they are in Florida, so you can imagine how easy this is.)
• She is unintelligent (bless her poor saturated brain) and frequently calls my husband or me to complain about her relationship. (with another drunk loser.)
• She refuses to get help, because she doesn't have a problem. Of course not.
• She allowed her daughter to get left back in the 6th grade and then coached her to lie about it to her father, shaming her daughter and at the same time teaching her a wonderful lesson about parenting...(although we figured out the lie 3/4 through the year, by then it was too late.)
• She didn't seem to think there was a problem with her daughter having an 18 year old boyfriend (at 14!!!), or that her daughter was caught shoplifting and was failing out of school....it only became a problem when my husband said he's stop sending his check.
• Because she was always passed out drunk by 7pm, her kids were allowed to raise themselves....the oldest son, 17, allowed to sleep out every night at his 16 year old (9th grade!) girlfriend's house...and then had the nerve to be surprised when she ended up pregnant. And then didn't tell us for 2 months. Nice.

I suppose I could go on and on. What I'm mad about is the way she's screwed up her daughter who now lives with us. The kid looks normal, and I suppose the teenage "shitties" are to be expected...but it's getting worse.

And my favorite part of the show is when my stepdaughter tells me, "What do you know about raising kids, you never had one...God knows what you'd do with your own baby."

She mentioned in passing that we were shitty parents. I suppose lying face down in one's own vomit was more the norm she was expecting, so yes, in that regard I'm sure I'm a total disappointment to her.

I know that the huge Sweet 16 we threw for her, further outlines how we are trying to buy her love with money. Especially, since her mother contributed nothing to the event, save for a very uplifting speech about life's disappointments.

Oh yeah, and the school program for which her father and I fundraised the money to send her to Australia for 3 weeks, is just another example of how we don't understand her.

I am sure the fancy haircuts, the special events, allowance etc...(things she never had before) are reasons for her to lash out at me. I am sure she's angry that her mom is such an asshole, but I'm telling you, I'm not seeing the upside of this situation, save that my husband gets to have say in how at least one of his kids are raised.

Because my husband doesn't have a job that allows him much time on the phone, I end up the one who follows up with the homework. It's become a full time job following her progress in school, while she cuts class, drops grades, etc....and then comes home full of bullshit excuses. She lies to me, and when I call her on it, claims that she only lies a "little bit".

All of this is one big whine and I don't even want to read it before I post it, so I can only presume you'll have as much fun reading it...

I look forward to the day in 5 years when we stop sending his ex the child support and I might even throw a party. A Monkey off our Back Party. 2 out of three kids don't even live there, but it's a big ordeal to get it changed, and my husband got a raise since then, so we're just biding our time. But I don't get "supporting" two working adults and their pets, habits and vices, hoping that the kids get a meal in there somewhere.

Being a stepmom is a shitty position. You're not family, but they are forced to treat you as such. The kids resent you, for being with Dad even though they know that no sane person would CHOOSE to live with his ex. They spew back ridiculous shit that she has brainwashed them to think about their father and me. Most of it, I ignore. But lately, my whole life is someone else's family bullshit and it's eclipsing me. I feel bad for my husband who has been supportive of me and who, if he only knew the horrible things I was thinking about his kid, would probably be very upset. But hey, they're just FEELINGS...

Needless to say, I am thoroughly looking forward to spending the holiday weekend with this damaged, spoiled, rude, pain- in- my- ass, sponge of a person for whom I committed to being a positive role model...

I have dark thoughts of violence, lately.