Ok...so, I'm back. She apologized and retracted her "You don't know anything about teenagers..." line...she's gone back to being a manageable, sarcastic, somewhat amusing teenager. She has vacuumed, done the dishes, cleaned her room, done her homework, without being asked....
I'd like to share a few things I've learned....
1) Do not ever second guess yourself. Right or wrong, you are the adult, ....therefore you are right.
2) Never assume: Just because they turned in one assignment you thought they were lying about, doesn't mean there's not a whooooooole bunch of overdue unfinished homework waiting to be discovered.
3) Do not ever apologize to them. It's like throwing a bleeding fish to a shark.
You may, however, say things like "I'm sorry you're disappointed..." or if you've really just lost your shit on them, you may say, "I'm sorry for my role in your upset...."
4) Do not EVER let them curse you. Not one time. Flip out. Go crazy. Mean it. Not in your fucking house, ever. Despite what she thinks, there's not a cop in the world who will arrest you. I asked.
5) Reward them with praise when they do what they're supposed to.
What's key here, is that my husband is 100% ok with my draconian parenting tactics. I have authorized her Chemistry teacher to utilize blunt force if necessary. ("OH?...She's talking in class, not doing her work and you can't get her attention? HIT HER WITH THE CHEMISTRY BOOK, and I guarantee it won't happen again.")
Now, I don't want you walking around thinking that I advocate violence as the proper method of stepparenting...but consider it a TOOL.....a valuable TOOOOOOL.
Here's a few things I don't do anymore:
Buy things for people who annoy me.
Make breakfast, lunch or dinner, for people who criticize my cooking. I'm a great cook, and besides, it took me just as much effort to ruin dinner as it did to make a decent meal, so shut up and find something nice to say about it.
I don't buy the groceries you request if: 1) it's garbage, 2) you don't eat it, or 3) you don't help me bag them or bring them in the house. I'm paying for them, so I'm deciding what we get. House Rules.
I also let my husband "handle" the discipline, stern reprimands, etc...There's no rule that says I have to be the "heavy" and he's the "cool one". I want to be the fun one. He's her dad, let him handle her crap. He got really used to me handling everything and as a result, I was "overperforming". I get tired of hearing myself be a bitch and it was really fun to sit back and let him field a few "F-bombs". Could you imagine cursing your parents when you were a teenager, and surviving??
She needs structure. She practically begs for it. I don't get it. I fully believe that kids need to know what's expected of them and this one INSISTS on getting herself grounded and having her privileges revoked. I'd like to let her go "hang out" and manage her own time, except it doesn't work. Maybe it's because she's teenage child of an alcoholic. There's a whole couchful of crap in there and we intend to get to the bottom of it.
She's not a bad kid, really. She can be charming and fun to be around. We've had a rough time motivating her to be productive in school, but in her defense, she was sort of left to her own devices and we are "unlearning" bad habits.
I don't know when I started sounding like an old fart. I guess I just get this sense that it's important I instill certain values in this person and she seems to actually be getting it. I used to teach high school drama and I've been a camp counselor and around kids for years... I"m not without resources....
What I wasn't prepared for was to have to carefully navigate the father/daughter dynamic-- Oh that's a fun one...., it could very easily become "Them" against "Me" but he's pretty supportive and I have learned how to present my criticism of his precious angels, without insulting him, and while still communicating my point.
I don't feel old enough to be a parent, but she considers me one. (When did that happen?)
....to be continued.... or edited...lol.
Fear Is the Wish
2 days ago
3 comments:
It sounds to me like you're definitely on the right track. The rules are absolutely different for parent and step-parents. They're similar, but different. I think it's rule #1 that you guys present a united front. The idea that you can set rules which are not undermined by your husband goes a long way.
The way Slim and I see it, we do everything we can to instill good values in the kids, in order to counter the poor behavior they learn at their mother's. But you can't force them to be good people. Absolutely set boundaries and bring down your wrath upon them when they are out of line. That will help them feel comfortable with the boundaries for their life. But in the end, they'll be 30 or so before they look back on their parents with some perspective and can tell a screwed up parent who didn't know what she was doing from a rule-setting parent who taught them how to be a good person.
Keep writing. This stuff is good.
Really. I am glad you like it. It's sort of gets sprayed out onto the page before I have a chance to shape it into something that someone might read. I also think these rants might be too long, but hey, it's for me anyway, right?
He's gotten really good about backing me up, even if he didn't agree with what I said or did. He doesn't want to end up doing what I'm doing, that's for sure. You know it's not like this kid is in AP classes....I'm trying to get her to keep a B average in regular classes, but she's never really been encouraged to dream, set goals or anything...and now there's boys. That's a whole nother blog. Yeeech.
I don't think they're too long. There are some 500 word posts out there that seem WAY too long, but some 2500 word posts I just loved. I think the key is that a reader has to WANT to keep reading. Your audience will adjust to your style. Folks who only read short blurbs will get bored and go elsewhere if you are wordy. Others who like a good story will see you as fluff if you don't develop your story well.
Write for you. Do what's comfortable. The cool thing about the internet is nobody's really reading this stuff anyway.
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