ShamWoW!!!

I find this guy oddly compelling. Like he's talking JUST to me. This Vince. And his ShamWows.

Sooner or later we all by SOMETHING off the TV. I just purchased SpaceSaver bags and will let you know hot they work out...

This will be my next purchase. I think I need these things.

As Seen on TV

Brain Cramp

I thought I'd have all this nifty stuff to tell you, and now that twobuyfour has "hyped" me, I figured I'd trot out all the goods. That being said, after two days of blogging...I have "writer's block". I suppose it happens to the best of them...but if you think that having nothing to say, would keep me from talking?...ha...you've much to learn.

I can talk the ears off a brass monkey.

So...oh I know....Ok..today at work...I work with this really nice girl, whom I'll call "Susie" (not her real name). I also work with a very cranky, but kindhearted broker"Mr. X", who has a sense of humor so dry, well...he's not funny.
Mr. X likes to challenge us, with vocabulary words, word problems, hypothetical situations, etc... and he has been directing more of this attention to Susie lately. When the wordplay isn't going his way, he switches to nonsensical arguments, and uses college words he's fairly sure one won't understand... and well, like siblings who start out "playing"...it just leads to trouble and someone ends up hurt...

Mr. X is well into his 70's and started a "Who's on First?" conversation. "Susie" is Chinese born American and under 30 and had never heard of Abbott and Costello (as many people in generation Y or whatever haven't...), therefore was not understanding the reference. Mr. X tried to tease her about it, but got quite obnoxious in his attempt to challenge her, and became offensive. He called her "culturally inept" and other such ridiculous terms and after a moment or two of this, she became offended. I tried to show her the Who's on First? routine on YouTube, but of course, she was no longer interested, because instead of teasing her, it really just became verbal assault.

I tried to intervene. First playfully, then more strenuously, because I could see that these two were not understanding each other. He went back into his office, she became gradually irate and then stormed out, claiming she was going home, possibly quitting and if so, suing us. (specifically him.)

This all happened in under a minute. And while she DID come back, and upon being told of his "faux pas", Mr. X fell all over himself apologizing...

But the stench of the episode lingers. She is in a violently bad mood. (I don't exactly blame her)
I have tried a bit to cheer her up, but I have also found that people in a really bad mood, don't typically want you cheering them up or hugging them. So we sit, in awkward post blowup civility.

She still looks like she might quit. I'm just gonna sit here and mind my own business.

Idle hands...Idle Minds..what was that saying?

My husband is taking his daughter with him to Florida tomorrow, for her older brother's graduation.

I am trying to figure out what I will do first with my "alone" time:

I will have the TV remotes and I won't even watch TV.

I will read. Uninterrupted reading.

I will yack on the phone with my Mom about nothing for hours without interruption.

I won't give a shit about anyone's grades, teachers, homework, etc.

They flushed WHAT down the toilet?!!

You know, I didn't originally intend to spend my time here ranting about being a stepparent. However, writing about being a stepparent has forced me to really examine the role I play in my own aggravation. By writing about it, I can reflect on her choices and how to better guide her. Blogging allows me to take a step back and release some of that bile that might otherwise cause me to burst an intestine. (again.) It gives me a safe place to put those thoughts of me repeatedly slamming her head in the car door.

But I digress.... I originally intended to write about my work and the random actions of others which might inspire and confound the chance reader of my humble offerings.

Currently, I am, among other things, a Property Manager. Much of my life, I have been in management positions, because I am very good at motivating people to care about doing a good job, thereby increasing productivity/performance. It's gratifying and I like telling people what to do and having them do it. I'm not real big on "no" (grounds for termination) and I make it as rewarding as possible for people who say "yes".

Being a Property Manager allows you to 1) get to tell people what to do, 2) get an upclose and personal look at the creepy things that other humans do when they think people won't notice.

I have a property which has 10 floors. Of those 10 floors, the first two are "commercial tenants" (offices, stores and such) and Floors 3 and higher, have 68 apartments and are all run by a company which specializes in temporary Corporate Housing. Basically, business people come and stay for a month or more in a fully furnished apartment in the city, with some amenities and features of a luxury apartment building. Some amenities. Not all. Some.

I manage the property itself so I receive requests for service for things that the building would maintain...(Lightbulbs in the hallway, paint/repair, plumbing)...and the Corporate Housing company manages most things inside the apartments, (Lightbulbs inside the apartment,Furniture, Cleaning). It's a synergistic relationship that works pretty well. However, no ONE thing breaks at one time. Bunches of things break at a time. This last week was "TOILET WEEK".

Please be reminded that these apartments are APARTMENTS, not hotel rooms. They are supplied with plungers, JUST LIKE AT HOME. For whatever reason, I got tons of "the toilet is BROKEN" calls last week. It's hard to "BREAK" a toilet. Not impossible. But difficult. And what constitutes "broken"? Not flushing? Leaking? Cracked?

Request 1: Tenant in room 407 complains "TOILET IS BROKEN/ WATER NOT GOING DOWN".

Response: I dispatch doorman to see if perhaps he can assist guest by demonstrating plunger technique. (Usually that's all it takes.)

Resolution: After 5 minutes of plunger manipulation, doorman removes from the toilet, the cardboard carton from a box of toothpaste! Tenant claims he did not put it in the bowl. Of course he didn't. I'm sure the toilet came like that.


Request 2: Tenant complains that TOILET IS BROKEN/ WATER NOT GOING DOWN

Response and Resolution: Doorman visits guest and flushes toilet. (No plunger required)

Request 3: The brand new second floor tenant in their newly renovated space (entire floor is a commercial tenant) complains that all TOILETS ARE BACKING UP AND FILLING UP WITH WATER AND EXCREMENT!

Response: Emergency plumber dispatched, locates major clog just below second floor. Opens up pipes and removes several Corporate Housing Apartment's Washcloths!

Apparently, tenants or cleaning staff felt it was OK to flush the washcloths down the bowl, which lodged themselves just below the second floor and basically,everything that went down the waste pipe was backing up into first available floor .....(second floor tenant)

I don't know what's specifically wrong with people. But everyday brings a new surprise. I no longer care for surprises.

"I refuse to let you grow up to be an asshole....even though you're really trying"

Ok...so, I'm back. She apologized and retracted her "You don't know anything about teenagers..." line...she's gone back to being a manageable, sarcastic, somewhat amusing teenager. She has vacuumed, done the dishes, cleaned her room, done her homework, without being asked....

I'd like to share a few things I've learned....

1) Do not ever second guess yourself. Right or wrong, you are the adult, ....therefore you are right.

2) Never assume: Just because they turned in one assignment you thought they were lying about, doesn't mean there's not a whooooooole bunch of overdue unfinished homework waiting to be discovered.

3) Do not ever apologize to them. It's like throwing a bleeding fish to a shark.
You may, however, say things like "I'm sorry you're disappointed..." or if you've really just lost your shit on them, you may say, "I'm sorry for my role in your upset...."

4) Do not EVER let them curse you. Not one time. Flip out. Go crazy. Mean it. Not in your fucking house, ever. Despite what she thinks, there's not a cop in the world who will arrest you. I asked.

5) Reward them with praise when they do what they're supposed to.


What's key here, is that my husband is 100% ok with my draconian parenting tactics. I have authorized her Chemistry teacher to utilize blunt force if necessary. ("OH?...She's talking in class, not doing her work and you can't get her attention? HIT HER WITH THE CHEMISTRY BOOK, and I guarantee it won't happen again.")

Now, I don't want you walking around thinking that I advocate violence as the proper method of stepparenting...but consider it a TOOL.....a valuable TOOOOOOL.

Here's a few things I don't do anymore:

Buy things for people who annoy me.

Make breakfast, lunch or dinner, for people who criticize my cooking. I'm a great cook, and besides, it took me just as much effort to ruin dinner as it did to make a decent meal, so shut up and find something nice to say about it.

I don't buy the groceries you request if: 1) it's garbage, 2) you don't eat it, or 3) you don't help me bag them or bring them in the house. I'm paying for them, so I'm deciding what we get. House Rules.

I also let my husband "handle" the discipline, stern reprimands, etc...There's no rule that says I have to be the "heavy" and he's the "cool one". I want to be the fun one. He's her dad, let him handle her crap. He got really used to me handling everything and as a result, I was "overperforming". I get tired of hearing myself be a bitch and it was really fun to sit back and let him field a few "F-bombs". Could you imagine cursing your parents when you were a teenager, and surviving??

She needs structure. She practically begs for it. I don't get it. I fully believe that kids need to know what's expected of them and this one INSISTS on getting herself grounded and having her privileges revoked. I'd like to let her go "hang out" and manage her own time, except it doesn't work. Maybe it's because she's teenage child of an alcoholic. There's a whole couchful of crap in there and we intend to get to the bottom of it.

She's not a bad kid, really. She can be charming and fun to be around. We've had a rough time motivating her to be productive in school, but in her defense, she was sort of left to her own devices and we are "unlearning" bad habits.

I don't know when I started sounding like an old fart. I guess I just get this sense that it's important I instill certain values in this person and she seems to actually be getting it. I used to teach high school drama and I've been a camp counselor and around kids for years... I"m not without resources....

What I wasn't prepared for was to have to carefully navigate the father/daughter dynamic-- Oh that's a fun one...., it could very easily become "Them" against "Me" but he's pretty supportive and I have learned how to present my criticism of his precious angels, without insulting him, and while still communicating my point.

I don't feel old enough to be a parent, but she considers me one. (When did that happen?)

....to be continued.... or edited...lol.

Being A Stepmother sucks.

There is no other more stressful, unappreciated, bag of shit holding job than that of "stepmother".

I am grateful that the ex lives in another state with two of the kids. Her rampant alcoholism doesn't seem to have done the damage to her two sons (although I'm suuuure it's there) that it's done to her daughter who now lives with us. Her drunken rants on the phone are easily sidestepped, because when she starts that crap, we hang up.

I don't believe that kids,essentially, are bad. In theory. And perhaps, had I known these kids when they were much smaller, this might have been more "fun" (holidays, and outings that help a kid bond to an adult, etc.)...but I got them when they were older, jaded...they visit on holidays and during the summer, and the first couple of days are focused on the material things they want their father to buy them, then some irrational, emotional "acting out" now that they are in a healthy environment where the police aren't called to settle disputes.

Now, it's very easy for the new wife to complain about the old one, I am aware of that. But there was a good 10 years between her and me, so I'd like to think that the things I am disgusted by are largely based on objective observations and my limited contact with her.

First of all, let's talk about the drinking. She doesn't drive, thank God, and the house is clean, but she's one shotgun rack short of being a country western song.

• She drinks and becomes violent and incoherent...nice. The years of drinking have fried her brain and she is now completely and irrationally anxious. We have received many calls for help from the kids and have had to involve the police to ensure everyone's safety. (we're in New York, they are in Florida, so you can imagine how easy this is.)
• She is unintelligent (bless her poor saturated brain) and frequently calls my husband or me to complain about her relationship. (with another drunk loser.)
• She refuses to get help, because she doesn't have a problem. Of course not.
• She allowed her daughter to get left back in the 6th grade and then coached her to lie about it to her father, shaming her daughter and at the same time teaching her a wonderful lesson about parenting...(although we figured out the lie 3/4 through the year, by then it was too late.)
• She didn't seem to think there was a problem with her daughter having an 18 year old boyfriend (at 14!!!), or that her daughter was caught shoplifting and was failing out of school....it only became a problem when my husband said he's stop sending his check.
• Because she was always passed out drunk by 7pm, her kids were allowed to raise themselves....the oldest son, 17, allowed to sleep out every night at his 16 year old (9th grade!) girlfriend's house...and then had the nerve to be surprised when she ended up pregnant. And then didn't tell us for 2 months. Nice.

I suppose I could go on and on. What I'm mad about is the way she's screwed up her daughter who now lives with us. The kid looks normal, and I suppose the teenage "shitties" are to be expected...but it's getting worse.

And my favorite part of the show is when my stepdaughter tells me, "What do you know about raising kids, you never had one...God knows what you'd do with your own baby."

She mentioned in passing that we were shitty parents. I suppose lying face down in one's own vomit was more the norm she was expecting, so yes, in that regard I'm sure I'm a total disappointment to her.

I know that the huge Sweet 16 we threw for her, further outlines how we are trying to buy her love with money. Especially, since her mother contributed nothing to the event, save for a very uplifting speech about life's disappointments.

Oh yeah, and the school program for which her father and I fundraised the money to send her to Australia for 3 weeks, is just another example of how we don't understand her.

I am sure the fancy haircuts, the special events, allowance etc...(things she never had before) are reasons for her to lash out at me. I am sure she's angry that her mom is such an asshole, but I'm telling you, I'm not seeing the upside of this situation, save that my husband gets to have say in how at least one of his kids are raised.

Because my husband doesn't have a job that allows him much time on the phone, I end up the one who follows up with the homework. It's become a full time job following her progress in school, while she cuts class, drops grades, etc....and then comes home full of bullshit excuses. She lies to me, and when I call her on it, claims that she only lies a "little bit".

All of this is one big whine and I don't even want to read it before I post it, so I can only presume you'll have as much fun reading it...

I look forward to the day in 5 years when we stop sending his ex the child support and I might even throw a party. A Monkey off our Back Party. 2 out of three kids don't even live there, but it's a big ordeal to get it changed, and my husband got a raise since then, so we're just biding our time. But I don't get "supporting" two working adults and their pets, habits and vices, hoping that the kids get a meal in there somewhere.

Being a stepmom is a shitty position. You're not family, but they are forced to treat you as such. The kids resent you, for being with Dad even though they know that no sane person would CHOOSE to live with his ex. They spew back ridiculous shit that she has brainwashed them to think about their father and me. Most of it, I ignore. But lately, my whole life is someone else's family bullshit and it's eclipsing me. I feel bad for my husband who has been supportive of me and who, if he only knew the horrible things I was thinking about his kid, would probably be very upset. But hey, they're just FEELINGS...

Needless to say, I am thoroughly looking forward to spending the holiday weekend with this damaged, spoiled, rude, pain- in- my- ass, sponge of a person for whom I committed to being a positive role model...

I have dark thoughts of violence, lately.