Perhaps I should just hang up now..

PERHAPS I SHOULD JUST HANG UP NOW....(reposted and edited by popular request)

Part of my job function involves answering a telephone. The other part of my job apparently involves teaching social invalids, basic communication/ office skills.

This blog should be titled,
" HOW TO BE A SUCCESS ON THE PHONE",
or
"GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T HANG UP RIGHT NOW!"
Still working on it. I better start with the rules:

TO CALLERS:
1) When I say "Good Morning, Company "X",.... You are now, "ON THE AIR"....
Now's your big, fat opportunity to tell me to whom you wish to speak, ask your question, or basically just get on with it....

DON'T give me dead air, DON'T be having a conversation with someone else, and DON'T yell into your speaker phone unintelligibly from across the room.
I will hang up on you. Not because I'm mad. But to give you a second chance to get it right.

2) Don't ask me to "Guess Who"...Guess why?
I DON"T CARE.
You were the one that called. Presumably you wanted something. If I were a psychic, I would have called you. That pretty much settles that.

3) If YOU ARE A TELEMARKETER......and you want to sell me something, don't act like we're friends. Because we're not.
I get 1,000 sales calls a day. Give me the information you can, let me politely say no, take me off your list and have a nice day.
If you can't do that...and won't give me a supervisor when I ask for one, be advised, that I too, work on the phone, have a chip on my shoulder, and am gifted with mild stalking tendencies, so I will *69 the phone if I don't already have your company name and probably get you fired, because I wrote down your name when you called, jerkweed.

4) If you are a telemarketer and you want my respect, come up with something cooler than me....like this...
A guy calls up, offers X,Y, Z service. I say "no thank you, please take us off your list"... and he goes, "TSK TSK TSK....now I'm gonna have to put you on our list of BAD BUSINESSES..."
So I ask, "what's that mean?" and he says, "IT MEANS, YOU SUCK."
I was speechless. And concerned. It's possible that I might actually suck.

5) If you WANT TO TALK TO MY BOSS,
DON"T be a WISEASS.
You know he doesn't know you. You know I know he doesn't know you. Don't pretend you lost his cell number because, I won't give it to you. Not because I'm not allowed to, but just because I want to see how hard you will work for it. If you play the game right, I will give it to you. If you don't...I will throw your message away.
DON"T ask me when I expect him, because I don't. He sneaks up on us to make sure we're working.

6) IDENTIFY YOURSELF.
I will answer your jackass question with another jackass question until you tell me who you are and what you want from my life. Don't get offended either, because as you will recall, I know that you are NOBODY, who doesn't know my boss.

7) Be REEEEEALLLLY nice.
Any calls that start off, "YOU PEOPLE....", probably won't get you the response you wanted.
Neither will any calls that start out, "Accounts Payable, Please....."

8) Don't PRESUME that because I'm a woman and I answered the phone pleasantly that:
a) I am pleasant
b) I work for you
c) If I say, " Would you like SO AND SO's voicemail?"....that I would be equally as happy to take a message for SO and SO. I would not. That's why I offered you the voicemail. He's a complete prick. You called him, and say you're his friend, so you are a prick, too.
Leave him whatever message you want all private and comfy on his voicemail. Talk as much as you want about porn, being drunk, crashing whatever party no one wanted you at or whatever you would talk about with someone as nasty as that...but I'm not writing any of your crap down, getting off my equally as important ass, to discuss your waste of a message.
I don't work for him, could care less if he gets your message, and since I'm not speaking to him, giving him your message is out of the question. Sorry. The only reason he didn't pick up his extension is that his phone is buried under 3 feet of garbage and newspapers; like one those people you've read about who had to be rescued from his home, because the paper piled up too high and he couldn't find the door. dick.

9) If for some reason, I am required to put you on hold, and you decide to hang up because your party didn't answer IMMEDIATELY.....
Don't call back and tell me, "Oh, I got disconnected." No you didn't. You hung up. I saw you. Back in line you go.
Don't call me up with that tone,(YOU know the one), and whine, " I was waiting for X...and you LEFT me on hold..."
Hold is where you go, when I set the phone down to tell X he has a call. I don't have magic powers to MAKE him take your call.
And if you had stayed on hold rather than completely unravel, you would have known that after 2 minutes, I did check back to tell you his line was engaged and you had already panicked about your self worth and hung up.
I didn't LEAVE you anywhere. You are responsible for your own issues. Get therapy.

10) If you are EATING, SNIFFLING,COUGHING, or making some other nasty, mucus-y noise in my ear when I pick up the phone, I will do absolutely the same thing to you, just to gross you out, right before I transfer you. Or hang up. Depends on what I hear.

Just when you thought it couldn't get worse....

Ok...so if you've read this long winded whine session since the beginning, you may recall that my husband's ex-wife, (we'll call her MARY), allowed her teenage son, then 17, to sleep over at his girlfriend's house several night a week. This was done behind his father's back, because his father was very vocal in his disapproval.

The girlfriend, was 15 when they started dating, and HER mother was a companion for an elderly person and slept away from home 3 or so nights a week at least. She had no problem with her daughter's boyfriend staying over several nights a week in her daughter's room. The girlfriend was turning 16 in the 9th grade, having been left back a couple of times.

You know where this is going, right? No one reading this has any illusions about the ultimate outcome of this situation, right? Well, in case my hints are too subtle, ultimately the teenage son, gets his 9th grade girlfriend pregnant around Thanksgiving. The kids wait a week or two to say anything, and then tell my husband's ex-wife, MARY, (oh...let's just use her real name....ASSHOLE)....about a week and a half before Christmas.

There are several phone calls from that household to ours, from Thanksgiving until about New Year's, requesting money, drunken rants from Asshole and "Asshat" (Asshole's Boyfriend). But does anyone tell my husband, as they are LEGALLY REQUIRED TO DO....that his son has gotten his girlfriend pregnant? Nooooo....they finally tell us AFTER NEW YEAR'S!!! and his son can't understand why we're freaked out that this girl WANTS TO HAVE THE BABY!!!!!!

There is so much wrong here I don't know where to start. So I won't.

We call there and speak to her about her options. We encourage her to have an abortion. We offer to pay for it. We talk to her mother, who's pretty beside herself (oh...ok....you didn't see this coming?) and through her tears and sniffles and whatnot, and she says she can't believe the girl is pregnant.

Well, flash forward to last week. She had the baby. He's very cute. A healthy boy named Cayden. (or Caiden...not sure) and it looks just like my stepson. ( Iwas realllllly hoping it would be Black or Asian)

She was going to call him "ZYLAN" but we told my husband's son that it sounded like prescription medication. ("Oh look how big "ZOLOFT" is getting....oh isn't CIALIS adorable?" "Be right back, I have a headache and I need to take a "ZYLAN")

The girl is in Indiana and he left home in Florida to be there for the delivery and is helping take care of the baby....He's a very proud father and we're trying to be supportive. He's told me so much about breast milk that I think he's now certified as some sort of expert in the field.

We have sent money and necessities, and call regularly to talk to him. It's completely awkward, because how do we call her to say "Congratulations!!!" when we know what their lives are going to be like in the next few years. Oh yeah, and "HI, remember us? We're the ones who called you to talk you into an abortion....congratulations!!!"

So as you would expect, the "baby mama"really hasn't had anything to say to us. We don't know anything about her other than she and her mother used to smoke alot of pot until they quit a couple of years ago... That this girl's father was killed while he was riding in the open passenger window frame of a car, when he fell out, landing on his head.... (What do you say to someone when they tell you this?)

We know we used to see her G-stringed ass on all her myspace photos and she doesn't ever smile. That's all we really know about her. And that she lives with her mother and elderly grandmother in Indiana. Hopefully, she'll go back and COMPLETE THE NINTH GRADE.

I know it's not at all about me...
Really I do.

It's just so...I don't know..."trailer". And now, like my husband's exwife Asshole, his son's baby mama is now in our lives forever. Please God, don't let them have ANOTHER ONE.

I think this makes me a step-grandmother or something, and I'm not even 40. Or a mother.

Greeeeeeeeeeeat.

Congratulations, Waiter!!!

I'd never been to a book signing before, but after being a longtime reader and commenter on Waiter Rant (waiterrant.net), and seeing the wonderful article on "The Waiter", in the Post, I knew I couldn't miss his book signing.

He was engaging, funny, articulate, down to earth...truly grateful for the wonderful response his writing has generated (not to mention the media attention)...and it was really nice to get to share his moment.

The questions people asked were thoughtful and enthusiastic, and I thought his response to mine ("Would you ever own a restaurant?") was entertaining and greatly appreciated by his audience.
As there were a couple of television cameras filming the book signing , I made sure to cheat myself towards the camera (Drama 101) and put on my most enthralled and "involved" face. I wanted to make sure he got good "reaction" shots and oh yeah, I'm a complete ham.


Congratulations Waiter, on a very successful book signing! :)

A Stepmother Recharging.

Ok...so I'm good for awhile. The stepdaughter and one of her brothers went back to Florida. She'll be there for a month, so I get to spend some "grown up" time with Dad and we'll go to San Diego in a couple weeks. I can't wait....

I've been rereading my posts (decided that's a bad idea) and I think I look like an insane person. I'm actually ok with it, because I'm an insane person who's writing bad things and not doing bad things. I'm certain I have alienated all but one reader (Hi Mom.) but for the time being I seem to have exorcised some demons.

I don't want you to get the wrong impression (hahahha), my life is not complete chaos, and I have seen some improvement. People are attempting to follow my house rules, and that makes me happy. Most of the rules involve bathroom etiquette, and are posted for you here.

1) Don't leave dishes in the sink for me when I come home.

2) Refill the *(&^$*&^@#& ice cube tray.
(It's 800 degrees out, so there better be ice left for me.)

3) Take your hair out of the drain after you shower.
(If I can do it, and I have about 15 pounds of long, rope-like brown hair then you can too.)

4) When the toilet paper is empty, change the roll and throw out the empty cardboard roll.
(This one has proven particularly troublesome... I stock extra toilet paper conveniently for all and yet, somehow, I am always the one desperately trying to peel the glue-y last sheet off the empty tube. Someone seems to be trying, so I am reserving judgement on the progress of this one.)

5) When in doubt, use the bathroom spray, and give a "courtesy flush".
(Seriously, after these people use the bathroom, you have to REPAINT. And they constantly leave "surprises"...wtf?!!)

6) When I call you for dinner, stop what you are doing (No one is doing brain surgery or answering 9-1-1 calls here, so I feel my attmepts at meal presentation should take priority) and DO NOT CRITICIZE THE FOOD. It took me just as long to screw up dinner as it did to crank out a good one, so recognize the effort and eat it, or nominate yourself for "Chief Cook and Bottlewasher". Amen.

7) When I ask you nicely to do something, don't say "no." (Your health and safety are at risk.)

8) Speak English. I realize that EVERYONE, talks like a gangsta, but you are not a gangsta. Gangstas do not live on the Upper East Side of Manhattan and if they do, they blenddddddd. I don't go to the "hood" and drop my final consonants, and get all up in people's "grills" and the like...(yo, like whaddeva..what's wich u?) ...so I'm insisting on English in my house. Hoity toity British accent is a plus. ("O Fahth-ah...it looks like a GLORIOUS day for a ride in the Cahn-tray.")

9) No food in the bathroom. Ever. If you'd seen what I'd seen, you'd understand the reason for the rule.
(I totally just threw up in my mouth a little bit. .Oh yeah, just to be on the safe side, don't let the kids make you a sandwich.)

10) No boys in the house. Ok. NO ONE (except registered legal occupants) in the house when I'm not home. It's not that I don't trust you, but the last boy I found in the house, was hiding in my bathroom with no clothes on and my bed was all messed up...so I think we can all see where I'm going with this.
(My husband won't let me get a hidden camera. Maybe I'll get one and hide it from HIM ..hahahahah. "Smile into the alarm clock, Sweetie")

That's about it. I don't have rules that are impossible or vague. They are done for the welfare of our little community here. If I'm over the top, let me know. If I'm missing any, let me know and I'll add them.

Your cooperation is greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.

The Management

Vagina Vagina Vagina. Will you hold my purse? Pass me a tampon, please.

There. That should keep the men off the page.

I have been blogging my FEELINGS that randomly occur as a consequence to signing up for step-motherhood. I am not looking to start trouble, nor do I intend to be a mouthpiece for ALL stepmothers. I know there's probably one or two, who have a perfect situation...I just have never heard of one or met one.

That being said, I seem to have struck a chord...hahah.

DISCLAIMER: If there are still any biological parents reading this, please know that all stepmothers everywhere are thrilled to have the responsibility and privilege of helping support and raise your darling angels. We would never dream of criticizing them, ever. They are wonderful children, really....

That being said....I don't know WHERE some of these dark, and violent feelings of hostility and resentment come from. Sure, it's not all the time....but when they do, they need to be expressed, otherwise, I might not react as reasonably and lovingly as you normally witness.

I am entrusted with the care of my husband's teenage daughter, whose life was previously derailed by her dimwit of an alcoholic mother. I have to hold my husband somewhat accountable for enabling her horseshit for so long, although I think the courts give fathers a raw deal, and he was doing the best he could at the time, and is a VERY involved father....as an ex-wife myself, I know that ex-wives don't SUDDENLY become bitches. This transformation usually takes awhile, and there is usually an ex-husband involved to inspire the mutation.

I didn't get that way all by myself.

Having gotten older and wiser, I am more respectful and observant of my own boundaries and the more I honor them, the best it's been for everyone involved.

There are times, however, when the borders of those boundaries are breached, and the need to not react is critical...

There is not much "support" for stepparents that I'm aware of, and seriously...who wants to listen to a bunch of whining and complaining from a bunch of masochists who SIGNED UP FOR THIS.

I don't want to be a martyr. I'd really like to make this work for everyone and have it be a GOOD experience. I'd like to say I benefit in some way as well. I need to put all my "observations" somewhere or else people will get hurt. If I've managed to touch a nerve or bring an issue into focus that someone else recognizes as their own, well...good for me.

There needs to be a way to talk about this stuff, so children don't get hurt, and so stepmothers get to keep their dignity.

:) Read at your own risk.

Ways to Get Even, Part 2

I am not naming names ,to protect the anonymity of those whose ideas I've hijacked for this post, but let's just say that SOME of YOU, have some pretty fucked up ways of retaliating for wrongs you have suffered at the hands of others. SOME of YOU don't differentiate between misdemeanors and capital offenses and the punishments almost never fit the crime. They are way over the top.

That being said, is it really so wrong? To kill a fly with a sledgehammer? If people knew how bad you were going to get them back, they'd think twice about starting any crap. A zero tolerance policy, if you will.

So...if you are out of creative ways to punish someone passive agressively, or just plain ole' aggressive/aggressively...feel free to consider some of these ideas. (LEGAL DISCLAIMER>>>) I said CONSIDER...not DO. I am not taking any responsibility for stupid things YOU do, as I barely take responsibility for the stupid things I do....(that's the beauty of this plan)...

1) Clean the toilet with their toothbrush. (If you are not much of a housekeeper...just dip the toothbrush in the bowl. It's symbolic and often has the same effect on the "dipper").

2) Pee in their shampoo. (Dude.)

3)*** (This requires about a 1/2 hour of setup) Spend about 20 bucks to buy some really hardcore porn. Or just "not what they're into" porn. (If they're straight, make it gay..and vice versa) Make yourself a nice label with their name, address, fake bar code...fake LAST ISSUE !!!! Notice....and put it in their mailbox... or better, someone else's mailbox...a neighbor, if they live in an apartment building...even better if sent to their job.....

This lets them think they have a subscription to XYZ porn mag, and they can act all outraged and try and cancel, or sputter and deny to their neighbors..."What???This isn't mine???".. If you are feeling really creative you can get the number to a magazine and let them have fun trying to cancel the "FREE YEAR SUBSCRIPTION" that will be coming....

4) Here's a "DON'T" for the list: Don't mail poop to anyone. The police call that "aggravated harrassment." Don't ask me how I know, just learn the lesson.

5) Cut the sleeves and/or crotches out of their clothes. (Usually reserved for cheaters or people who aren't inclined to argue back publicly.)

....to be continued.....

Ways to Get Even...by Your Loving Stepmother

PART 1

I know you look at me and think that all that crap I said to you about wanting what's in your best interests was all heartfelt, etc.... I forgot to tell you that I am an award winning actress and the rights to my story, "A Stepmothers Unending Kvetch" are being optioned.

You probably think I'm trying to make a responsible adult out of you.

You probably think I enjoyed emailing and calling the school for your various infractions and subpar performance in class all fucking year.

I'm sure you thought I cared when you stormed out all upset because you didn't get your way.

You think I am not resentful when we pay for groceries, hair products, toiletries, books, dinners out, clothing, things for your ever discussed vagina,I don't know...stuff...wherever our money just goes.

I don't know...I think I've changed my whole way of looking at this position I've signed up for.
YOU are not my kid. I make NO less money if you embarrass yourself by failing out of school or dating retards. Yes, I have a code of conduct in my house....(for those of you just tuning in..check out last month's post about dropping F-bombs at your parents...ha.) which is totally non negotiable... but I am TOTALLY handing over the big decisions to....(big introduction...) YOUR FATHER!!!!! YAY!!!!!

I will defer to him in all matters relating to you. I will never give you a straight answer and when you THOUGHT you had an ally, I will turn you over to the man with the plan...your dad. It'll be good for him too. Plus, I get to be "the fun one", the "good guy" for awhile....

You have forfeited my support. You have used up your quota of my attention this year on your ridiculousness when it could have been for great stuff. No problem.