Um, oops.
So, I'm back off my high horse, and I figured I'd post the latest evolution of stepparenthood for me, and if it resonates with you, GREAT. And if you're doing better, well then share. And if you just need a place to dump that toxic sludge that builds up in the top of your stomach...well, all are welcome. :)
So, the highs...she was junior class president last year, nominated for a scholarship, and started telling people I was her "mom". She worked TWO jobs this summer; one as a camp counselor and one as a waitress around the corner from the house. She saved up her own money to buy a bike, open a checking account and to pay for a ticket to California, where she was spoiled rotten by my mother for a week or so. (Interestingly, she could have gone to Florida to see HER mother, but opted not to.)
The lows: well, NOW, actually...
Last Thursday, she made the decision to drink some alcohol afterschool. She then convinced a stranger to purchase a bottle of alcohol for her and some friends to share. Because they were intoxicated and rough housing, the bottle of alcohol, which was in her back pack, BROKE...and booze got everywhere. She tossed the bottle in a garbage filled unused locker, but it leaked out and she was caught by campus security.
Now, this is no small offense and the school has mandated procedures it must follow. Never mind the screaming and carrying on that happened by the time she got home...my husband is soooo disappointed (he always thinks I'm so "tough" on her, but my efforts have earned results.) that she made this choice...
I believe that while many kids experiment with alcohol and drugs, I don't believe that to be the norm. I think it's really unusual to be drinking during the DAY at SCHOOL. It's not that I didn't experiment, but I was pretty terrified of getting caught. I also didn't hang with a "tough" crowd and we had lots of afterschool activities. I had friends who prided themselves on how smart they were, so running around school drunk or with alcohol would have just seemed stupid to us. Oh yeah, it is. Especially, if one is 18. She COULD have been arrested.
They threw the minimum "book" at her. In school suspension for 5 days, no prom, and possibly no graduation (walking with the class). They are trying to keep this off her official record, but everyone is just SO upset. And me? I'm angry. Resentful. A whole bunch of things I can't describe. The choices she's made, means we're back at square one, the TRUST EARNING phase.
I've been trying to conceive my own baby for some time now. My husband, lately, has been waffling back and forth about this commitment to have a child. Now, I believe that if someone doesn't want a child that's their right, of course, but I married with the understanding that this was part of the commitment. Lately, he's been back on board, but as anyone who's had "challenges" conceiving, the stress is really not productive when you're trying your damndest to make a baby.
As a "childless" stepparent...I'm told occasionally, (and we all know this song, don't we?)..... "Well, YOU don't HAVE kids, so YOU don't know."
That's true. I don't know. And I didn't know what being a stepparent meant, even though THEORETICALLY, I knew I'd be good at it. You can't know what you don't know.
Man, because IF you DID...NO ONE would ever be a stepparent.
My husband has been much more "present" for her and that's helped. Kids NEED their biological parent to be the one to set the rules, discipline, etc. For my part, I have learned to stop OVERPERFORMING. If someone wants to criticize how I cook, then THEY can pay for whatever THEY want and cook it. It works.
I was busy trying to be SUPER PARENT, to prove to my husband what a wonderful mother I would be, and somewhere along the way, I stopped being authentic. I'm sure you've done it.
I no longer carry cash. Neither does anyone else apparently. But the DIFFERENCE is that now when someone asks me for $2 for her bus fare or breakfast, I can say I don't have any cash, instead of "no" like I used to, and then get clucked at and eyerolled-at, for being "mean" and not giving someone "JUST TWO dollars, jeez." (Do that 3 times a week for a month, it gets annoying. I'm not a bank.) If it's important to him to get her money, he can transfer funds to her cash card, or he can go to the bank. We live 10 blocks from school. Walking is good exercise. Food made at home is cheaper and better for you than fast food. So there. I don't want to be a "convenience".
But I digress.
Here's a new rule I learned this year: (If you don't know this, write it down and tape it somewhere at work where you will see it everyday.)
YOU CAN NOT CRITICIZE SOMEONE ELSE'S KID.
If they are a lying, theiving, alcoholic serial killer, YOU can't suggest that. THEY KNOW their kid is a mess. THEY KNOW their kid isn't trustworthy. THEY KNOW their kid is a liar.
BUT YOU won't ever win ANYTHING, by telling them this.
And don't get sucked into that, "SOoooo...what do you think?" trap. Ask them what THEY think...and then nod your head. That's the only thing that will keep you sane. Make it look like it was their idea that you agree that their kid is fucked up...and then tell them what a great job they are doing.
I give my husband a lot of credit. He's heard my feelings about this, and he knows that I've done everything I can to treat his daughter "like my own". Although it's his expectation, he didn't have to ask me to do that. He's broken hearted over her recent behavior, and like me, he's at a loss for what to do. He's pretty supportive of me as a parent to her, and tries his best not to disagree with me in front of her. If he disagrees with something he tells me later so she doesn't see the "front" divided. It wasn't always like that, and I'm sure MANY of you have that issue as well. I'm grateful I don't have a family made up of my kids combined with his kids. I can't begin to imagine what the transition would be like.
I really thought I had gotten to a point where we could give her more independence and freedom. I don't know what changed for her. My husband is resisting getting counselling for her. Doesn't want her walking around with a diagnosis as an excuse for her behavior. ("I have low self esteem, that's why I don't do my homework, etc." ) If she were my child, she'd be in therapy. But I also wouldn't be an untreated alcoholic for her whole life, either violently drunk or passed out and not present for her, so chances are, she wouldn't have certain issues she has. I'm not saying she wouldn't be in therapy anyway, but, at least she'd have had a better foundation.
I'm thinking electroshock therapy.
