It's THAT time of year again...ho. ho. ho.

I haven't posted in a year. I've been busy smirking and feeling self righteous about how wonderful things were going with my stepdaughter, that I was the world's best PARENT, and how I was going to teach everyone something with my newfound wisdom.



Um, oops.



So, I'm back off my high horse, and I figured I'd post the latest evolution of stepparenthood for me, and if it resonates with you, GREAT. And if you're doing better, well then share. And if you just need a place to dump that toxic sludge that builds up in the top of your stomach...well, all are welcome. :)



So, the highs...she was junior class president last year, nominated for a scholarship, and started telling people I was her "mom". She worked TWO jobs this summer; one as a camp counselor and one as a waitress around the corner from the house. She saved up her own money to buy a bike, open a checking account and to pay for a ticket to California, where she was spoiled rotten by my mother for a week or so. (Interestingly, she could have gone to Florida to see HER mother, but opted not to.)



The lows: well, NOW, actually...

Last Thursday, she made the decision to drink some alcohol afterschool. She then convinced a stranger to purchase a bottle of alcohol for her and some friends to share. Because they were intoxicated and rough housing, the bottle of alcohol, which was in her back pack, BROKE...and booze got everywhere. She tossed the bottle in a garbage filled unused locker, but it leaked out and she was caught by campus security.



Now, this is no small offense and the school has mandated procedures it must follow. Never mind the screaming and carrying on that happened by the time she got home...my husband is soooo disappointed (he always thinks I'm so "tough" on her, but my efforts have earned results.) that she made this choice...

I believe that while many kids experiment with alcohol and drugs, I don't believe that to be the norm. I think it's really unusual to be drinking during the DAY at SCHOOL. It's not that I didn't experiment, but I was pretty terrified of getting caught. I also didn't hang with a "tough" crowd and we had lots of afterschool activities. I had friends who prided themselves on how smart they were, so running around school drunk or with alcohol would have just seemed stupid to us. Oh yeah, it is. Especially, if one is 18. She COULD have been arrested.

They threw the minimum "book" at her. In school suspension for 5 days, no prom, and possibly no graduation (walking with the class). They are trying to keep this off her official record, but everyone is just SO upset. And me? I'm angry. Resentful. A whole bunch of things I can't describe. The choices she's made, means we're back at square one, the TRUST EARNING phase.



I've been trying to conceive my own baby for some time now. My husband, lately, has been waffling back and forth about this commitment to have a child. Now, I believe that if someone doesn't want a child that's their right, of course, but I married with the understanding that this was part of the commitment. Lately, he's been back on board, but as anyone who's had "challenges" conceiving, the stress is really not productive when you're trying your damndest to make a baby.


As a "childless" stepparent...I'm told occasionally, (and we all know this song, don't we?)..... "Well, YOU don't HAVE kids, so YOU don't know."



That's true. I don't know. And I didn't know what being a stepparent meant, even though THEORETICALLY, I knew I'd be good at it. You can't know what you don't know.

Man, because IF you DID...NO ONE would ever be a stepparent.



My husband has been much more "present" for her and that's helped. Kids NEED their biological parent to be the one to set the rules, discipline, etc. For my part, I have learned to stop OVERPERFORMING. If someone wants to criticize how I cook, then THEY can pay for whatever THEY want and cook it. It works.

I was busy trying to be SUPER PARENT, to prove to my husband what a wonderful mother I would be, and somewhere along the way, I stopped being authentic. I'm sure you've done it.


I no longer carry cash. Neither does anyone else apparently. But the DIFFERENCE is that now when someone asks me for $2 for her bus fare or breakfast, I can say I don't have any cash, instead of "no" like I used to, and then get clucked at and eyerolled-at, for being "mean" and not giving someone "JUST TWO dollars, jeez." (Do that 3 times a week for a month, it gets annoying. I'm not a bank.) If it's important to him to get her money, he can transfer funds to her cash card, or he can go to the bank. We live 10 blocks from school. Walking is good exercise. Food made at home is cheaper and better for you than fast food. So there. I don't want to be a "convenience".


But I digress.



Here's a new rule I learned this year: (If you don't know this, write it down and tape it somewhere at work where you will see it everyday.)



YOU CAN NOT CRITICIZE SOMEONE ELSE'S KID.



If they are a lying, theiving, alcoholic serial killer, YOU can't suggest that. THEY KNOW their kid is a mess. THEY KNOW their kid isn't trustworthy. THEY KNOW their kid is a liar.



BUT YOU won't ever win ANYTHING, by telling them this.



And don't get sucked into that, "SOoooo...what do you think?" trap. Ask them what THEY think...and then nod your head. That's the only thing that will keep you sane. Make it look like it was their idea that you agree that their kid is fucked up...and then tell them what a great job they are doing.

I give my husband a lot of credit. He's heard my feelings about this, and he knows that I've done everything I can to treat his daughter "like my own". Although it's his expectation, he didn't have to ask me to do that. He's broken hearted over her recent behavior, and like me, he's at a loss for what to do. He's pretty supportive of me as a parent to her, and tries his best not to disagree with me in front of her. If he disagrees with something he tells me later so she doesn't see the "front" divided. It wasn't always like that, and I'm sure MANY of you have that issue as well. I'm grateful I don't have a family made up of my kids combined with his kids. I can't begin to imagine what the transition would be like.

I really thought I had gotten to a point where we could give her more independence and freedom. I don't know what changed for her. My husband is resisting getting counselling for her. Doesn't want her walking around with a diagnosis as an excuse for her behavior. ("I have low self esteem, that's why I don't do my homework, etc." ) If she were my child, she'd be in therapy. But I also wouldn't be an untreated alcoholic for her whole life, either violently drunk or passed out and not present for her, so chances are, she wouldn't have certain issues she has. I'm not saying she wouldn't be in therapy anyway, but, at least she'd have had a better foundation.

I'm thinking electroshock therapy.

My, how time flies...

A lot of things have changed for me... I think many of you,were (are) doing what I was doing last year....googling, "Being a Stepmother Sucks" out of desperation, frustration and some small, sad attempt at humor, to find a way to make your situation bearable.... I actually, for the most part, now get along great with my stepdaughter, and I know she refers to me as her "mom" to her friends. There's a whole bunch of factors at work here, and I'll explain what changed, later:

The best thing about this blog, which was originally intended to be a rant about my property management job, (although I think I largely just come across as a big bitch most of the time. I'm not, but, hey, perception is everything, right? hahaha.)...

I got to rant about it and I got some great advice and feedback, and I'm happy to share anything that will help improve ANYONE's life who is in this situation. Being a stepmother (stepparent) is hard, hard, hard....and you can't know that it's going to be difficult, or even in what WAY it will be difficult...you can't even imagine the crap that comes up...because it's really multidimensional.

If you are lucky not to have to deal with the ex on a regular basis, well it's a blessing, but it's not just about you being a fabulous caretaker (which I'm sure you are...full of good intentions and oh yeah, cash.), it's about you and your spouse, his relationship with the ex (they are usually permanent due to the kids, sorry, nothing you can do.), the kids relationship with your spouse, their relationship with the ex, and oh yeah, you.

You are joining their family dysfunction (regardless of whose fault or whatever...welcome to the fun.), and for better or worse, how you handle or prevent drama in your life, is what will determine the sanity/quality of life you can expect to enjoy.

Look for the post, hopefully later tonight, and thank you for those who emailed me advice, and thank you for those who emailed me telling me that they know EXACTLY what I mean, because they have been there. It's just nice to be heard. Thanks.

2009...I have no expectations

...therefore, I can't be disappointed.



I try to make "requests" instead of telling my stepdaughter and husband what to do. I always focus on how a certain action makes me feel...as opposed to saying, "You ALWAYS do this, or you NEVER do that...". I make sure to send "I" messages, as opposed to "YOU" messages, because the bottom line is, I want to be heard and acknowledged, with dialogue, rather than necessarily "winning" or being "right" all the time.



I don't have a lot of rules, except for the ones involving common courtesy (not leaving dishes in the sink), basic hygeine (flushing the *&^&^% toilet), and things that will cost me money if not handled properly or wasted (electricity, cold cuts...etc).



I'm taking a poll. Please tell me if my request is out of line, because I've lost all perspective on my situation.



My stepdaughter came to the table at about 1:30pm (She's off school, her younger brother was up visiting from Florida, so they stayed up all night and then slept in..I have no problem with this.)



My husband and I are at the kitchen table having a conversation and she staggers in, barely awake, plunks herself down and says, "What's for breakfast?"



I reply, "Usually we say Good Morning, before we demand breakfast."



She says, "I didn't demand breakfast,"



and I say, "Ok...but I'd still prefer it if you said "Good Morning" or in someway acknowledged us when you come in. It's the nice way to interact."



I know I'm reading this conversation back and it's reading kind of stilted, but there was much more vocal nuance involved and I was trying to say this in an "upbeat, nice way" instead of a "stern" way...(you'll just have to trust me.)



I know this is a small request, and I know that people have much bigger issues in life, but as far as establishing a code of conduct for living with other people and basic social skills, I don't see that anyone has really taught her that much.



I'm taking a poll, how many people think my request was out of line? If you think so, I'd like to know. I know not everyone is a "Morning Person", but if that's the case, then one shouldn't subject other people to one's presence until such time as they are ready to relate to other people.



Of course, none of this matters at all, as when I asked her later when she was starting the homework that was due after the break (school starts again tomorrow and she has a lot of assignments due) she said she'll get to it, and she doesn't "Need me up her ass." ( I demanded and got an apology.)



My husband is never around for this stuff and I believe that it happens that way on purpose. He feels that I don't talk nicely to her or something, or that I look for confrontations. I believe that she lays the groundwork for confrontations and then tries to manipulate him against me. (Lying, cutting class, not doing homework, not doing small things I request, being mouthy...)



For example: There were what appeared to be, two unfinished (unattempted) worksheets, lying in the middle of the floor. Her room is a disaster and I am not really a stickler for organization, beyond basic sanitation, because I know which arguments are futile. But these are in the common area, haven fallen from whereever they were originally stuffed. I asked her to please pick up whatever those papers are. She says, "I will."



10 minutes later, they are still there, and I say, "Do me a favor...what are those papers? Are they important?"


She says she doesn't know what they are.



I say, "Well, could you do me a favor and pick them up as I'm cleaning up, and I keep walking over them..."



She picks them up... I say, "what were they?"



She says, "Nothing."



I say, "Are they homework?"



She says, "No, they are garbage." So I say, "Well, why don't you just toss them?"

She says, "It doesn't matter because they are back where they were and not on the floor."


Ok...so this is a stupid conversation and I stop having it. My point is that 1) I can tell they are homework, 2) they are either not finished and old assignments or they are more homework that should be turned in tomorrow that she's not finishing.



So I say, "You know what? You're right. I don't want to be "Up your ass". I actually would like to think you can manage your own time at some point now that you are 17. But as you've been grounded all year and your teachers keep emailing me that your work is incomplete or not turned in, you must be wanting more intervention from us. When you do not get what you want, please understand why, and don't be upset. Your actions are what decide your consequences."



And with that, I'm done speaking to her. My husband (who was driving his son to the airport, so he missed all the fun) gets a call from me, describing the situation, and then gets on the phone with her, and she tells him that when she's alone with me, there's "tension". I told him that when she's alone with me, she acts like she's alone on the planet and that she creates situations or acts "flip" to get some sort of response from me.



He of course, hates it all, and wants to know why we can't get along?



I don't know why we don't get along. She doesn't treat me with common courtesy or basic respect. I'm not trying to make my behavior someone else's fault, but I can't help but be disappointed with her. Perhaps it's better than I realize, because of the shit she was living in. Maybe this is just the way it is with everyone who is a stepparent. I have pulled back quite a bit in order to make my husband more "present" and I always end up regretting doing anything for her. (Letting her friend come over and making them dinner, buying her outfits so she has something to wear for school events or what have you, carting 50 pounds of Regents books from my girlfriend's daughter, so she has them for free, instead of making my husband pay for them from the bookstore, because she needs them....I keep telling myself I'm going to stop doing any of it and detach...)



I'm not looking for "thank you" everyday, but I'm looking for better interaction and all of this wears me down. I would never ask my husband to side against his kid, and that isn't right in any event, and would never work.



I am careful in my comments about her behavior, or lack of social skills, or the big fat fucking liar she's become (she lies about everything and anything), because I don't want to appear judgmental (Hahahahhaahhahahahaha) but since he is "against" counselling, (I would take her without his permission, but I think that would be a boundary I can't cross without repercussions to my marriage, regardless of how beneficial they would be to this kid who is aiming for the lowest common denominator.), I keep pulling back any interaction with her at all, and he's highly critical of my "not getting along with her." He gets very upset when she and I aren't speaking to each other. He doesn't get INVOLVED mind you, but he's vocal on the subject and frustrated.



Ok...so, back to the social skills thing. It's small, I know, but I have a right to expect basic, civilized behavior, right? Or am I just wasting my time?

I used to be a fun, intelligent, upbeat, supportive person. Now I am tense, resentful, and looking for ways to avoid interracting with her. Please feel free to offer suggestions, because as long as she's grounded (for lying, cutting class, and not doing homework.), I'm stuck with her energy in the house, and I don't want to be leaving my house all the time, because I'm uncomfortable. (Although, I will, totally, find new book clubs to join, etc...if that's my only option.)