2009...I have no expectations

...therefore, I can't be disappointed.



I try to make "requests" instead of telling my stepdaughter and husband what to do. I always focus on how a certain action makes me feel...as opposed to saying, "You ALWAYS do this, or you NEVER do that...". I make sure to send "I" messages, as opposed to "YOU" messages, because the bottom line is, I want to be heard and acknowledged, with dialogue, rather than necessarily "winning" or being "right" all the time.



I don't have a lot of rules, except for the ones involving common courtesy (not leaving dishes in the sink), basic hygeine (flushing the *&^&^% toilet), and things that will cost me money if not handled properly or wasted (electricity, cold cuts...etc).



I'm taking a poll. Please tell me if my request is out of line, because I've lost all perspective on my situation.



My stepdaughter came to the table at about 1:30pm (She's off school, her younger brother was up visiting from Florida, so they stayed up all night and then slept in..I have no problem with this.)



My husband and I are at the kitchen table having a conversation and she staggers in, barely awake, plunks herself down and says, "What's for breakfast?"



I reply, "Usually we say Good Morning, before we demand breakfast."



She says, "I didn't demand breakfast,"



and I say, "Ok...but I'd still prefer it if you said "Good Morning" or in someway acknowledged us when you come in. It's the nice way to interact."



I know I'm reading this conversation back and it's reading kind of stilted, but there was much more vocal nuance involved and I was trying to say this in an "upbeat, nice way" instead of a "stern" way...(you'll just have to trust me.)



I know this is a small request, and I know that people have much bigger issues in life, but as far as establishing a code of conduct for living with other people and basic social skills, I don't see that anyone has really taught her that much.



I'm taking a poll, how many people think my request was out of line? If you think so, I'd like to know. I know not everyone is a "Morning Person", but if that's the case, then one shouldn't subject other people to one's presence until such time as they are ready to relate to other people.



Of course, none of this matters at all, as when I asked her later when she was starting the homework that was due after the break (school starts again tomorrow and she has a lot of assignments due) she said she'll get to it, and she doesn't "Need me up her ass." ( I demanded and got an apology.)



My husband is never around for this stuff and I believe that it happens that way on purpose. He feels that I don't talk nicely to her or something, or that I look for confrontations. I believe that she lays the groundwork for confrontations and then tries to manipulate him against me. (Lying, cutting class, not doing homework, not doing small things I request, being mouthy...)



For example: There were what appeared to be, two unfinished (unattempted) worksheets, lying in the middle of the floor. Her room is a disaster and I am not really a stickler for organization, beyond basic sanitation, because I know which arguments are futile. But these are in the common area, haven fallen from whereever they were originally stuffed. I asked her to please pick up whatever those papers are. She says, "I will."



10 minutes later, they are still there, and I say, "Do me a favor...what are those papers? Are they important?"


She says she doesn't know what they are.



I say, "Well, could you do me a favor and pick them up as I'm cleaning up, and I keep walking over them..."



She picks them up... I say, "what were they?"



She says, "Nothing."



I say, "Are they homework?"



She says, "No, they are garbage." So I say, "Well, why don't you just toss them?"

She says, "It doesn't matter because they are back where they were and not on the floor."


Ok...so this is a stupid conversation and I stop having it. My point is that 1) I can tell they are homework, 2) they are either not finished and old assignments or they are more homework that should be turned in tomorrow that she's not finishing.



So I say, "You know what? You're right. I don't want to be "Up your ass". I actually would like to think you can manage your own time at some point now that you are 17. But as you've been grounded all year and your teachers keep emailing me that your work is incomplete or not turned in, you must be wanting more intervention from us. When you do not get what you want, please understand why, and don't be upset. Your actions are what decide your consequences."



And with that, I'm done speaking to her. My husband (who was driving his son to the airport, so he missed all the fun) gets a call from me, describing the situation, and then gets on the phone with her, and she tells him that when she's alone with me, there's "tension". I told him that when she's alone with me, she acts like she's alone on the planet and that she creates situations or acts "flip" to get some sort of response from me.



He of course, hates it all, and wants to know why we can't get along?



I don't know why we don't get along. She doesn't treat me with common courtesy or basic respect. I'm not trying to make my behavior someone else's fault, but I can't help but be disappointed with her. Perhaps it's better than I realize, because of the shit she was living in. Maybe this is just the way it is with everyone who is a stepparent. I have pulled back quite a bit in order to make my husband more "present" and I always end up regretting doing anything for her. (Letting her friend come over and making them dinner, buying her outfits so she has something to wear for school events or what have you, carting 50 pounds of Regents books from my girlfriend's daughter, so she has them for free, instead of making my husband pay for them from the bookstore, because she needs them....I keep telling myself I'm going to stop doing any of it and detach...)



I'm not looking for "thank you" everyday, but I'm looking for better interaction and all of this wears me down. I would never ask my husband to side against his kid, and that isn't right in any event, and would never work.



I am careful in my comments about her behavior, or lack of social skills, or the big fat fucking liar she's become (she lies about everything and anything), because I don't want to appear judgmental (Hahahahhaahhahahahaha) but since he is "against" counselling, (I would take her without his permission, but I think that would be a boundary I can't cross without repercussions to my marriage, regardless of how beneficial they would be to this kid who is aiming for the lowest common denominator.), I keep pulling back any interaction with her at all, and he's highly critical of my "not getting along with her." He gets very upset when she and I aren't speaking to each other. He doesn't get INVOLVED mind you, but he's vocal on the subject and frustrated.



Ok...so, back to the social skills thing. It's small, I know, but I have a right to expect basic, civilized behavior, right? Or am I just wasting my time?

I used to be a fun, intelligent, upbeat, supportive person. Now I am tense, resentful, and looking for ways to avoid interracting with her. Please feel free to offer suggestions, because as long as she's grounded (for lying, cutting class, and not doing homework.), I'm stuck with her energy in the house, and I don't want to be leaving my house all the time, because I'm uncomfortable. (Although, I will, totally, find new book clubs to join, etc...if that's my only option.)