I am not naming names ,to protect the anonymity of those whose ideas I've hijacked for this post, but let's just say that SOME of YOU, have some pretty fucked up ways of retaliating for wrongs you have suffered at the hands of others. SOME of YOU don't differentiate between misdemeanors and capital offenses and the punishments almost never fit the crime. They are way over the top.
That being said, is it really so wrong? To kill a fly with a sledgehammer? If people knew how bad you were going to get them back, they'd think twice about starting any crap. A zero tolerance policy, if you will.
So...if you are out of creative ways to punish someone passive agressively, or just plain ole' aggressive/aggressively...feel free to consider some of these ideas. (LEGAL DISCLAIMER>>>) I said CONSIDER...not DO. I am not taking any responsibility for stupid things YOU do, as I barely take responsibility for the stupid things I do....(that's the beauty of this plan)...
1) Clean the toilet with their toothbrush. (If you are not much of a housekeeper...just dip the toothbrush in the bowl. It's symbolic and often has the same effect on the "dipper").
2) Pee in their shampoo. (Dude.)
3)*** (This requires about a 1/2 hour of setup) Spend about 20 bucks to buy some really hardcore porn. Or just "not what they're into" porn. (If they're straight, make it gay..and vice versa) Make yourself a nice label with their name, address, fake bar code...fake LAST ISSUE !!!! Notice....and put it in their mailbox... or better, someone else's mailbox...a neighbor, if they live in an apartment building...even better if sent to their job.....
This lets them think they have a subscription to XYZ porn mag, and they can act all outraged and try and cancel, or sputter and deny to their neighbors..."What???This isn't mine???".. If you are feeling really creative you can get the number to a magazine and let them have fun trying to cancel the "FREE YEAR SUBSCRIPTION" that will be coming....
4) Here's a "DON'T" for the list: Don't mail poop to anyone. The police call that "aggravated harrassment." Don't ask me how I know, just learn the lesson.
5) Cut the sleeves and/or crotches out of their clothes. (Usually reserved for cheaters or people who aren't inclined to argue back publicly.)
....to be continued.....
Fear Is the Wish
2 days ago
9 comments:
Wanna hear a good one? My step-kids just spent 3 weeks in San Diego with their mother, which means they were no doubt permitted to be little shits with very little 'parenting' actually taking place. So my darling step-son says to me today, shortly after we got them after not seeing them for three weeks, "You're stomach is fat, you must have put on some weight while we were gone".
Shut up..he didn't... He said the "f word?" Fat?
You could tell him you must have gained weight eating all that CANDY you had in the house....
Tell his father. And if his father just laughs at you...then ruin Daddy's evening until he explains "women" to his son. (Yeah, that's right, I went THERE. Sorry D, stepmoms gotta unionize.)
Or else just ignore BOTH of them. Because if MAMA ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy. hahahahahahah.
Where does he keep his toothbrush anyway? mwa hahahahahahah....
Oh...wait I got it...you tell him you think you might be pregnant (twobuyfour surely will think that's hysterical as he likes jokes like that....ahem.)...and you're going to have YOUR OWN little boy...and he'll have a little brother, and won't it be exciting that he'll get to share all his toys, and wear his clothes and everyone will say how cute and good he is and you and Daddy will finally be happy....
ok...I'm maybe not coming from a great place. hahaha. There won't be a couch BIG enough for all the therapy he'll need, but just keep it in the back of your mind, for moments JUST like the "fat" one...
:)
Oh.My.God. You are hilarious! It's funny that you brought up the toothbrush because that's the one on your list I was going to mention as an option. And the idea of telling him I was going to have a boy of my own to use and break his toys is the best damn idea I have EVER heard.
And don't worry, dad had to deal with my whining all night that I was fat. And...I MAY have referred to his son as a little ass hole...maybe.
HA!!!! You are GOOD at this! I wish I was half as witty! You are a crack up. Honestly, my first thought was to say, "That's funny because I was thinking that your face got ugglier while you were gone"
It's hours an hours later, after stewing, that I come up with worhtwhile retorts.
You two are hilarious. You should take your hilarity on the road. Did you ever stop to think for one single minute that The Boy simply forgot how normal, polite, reasonable, considerate people interact? Because he'd just spent three weeks in a row living with animals. It takes a few hours to reaclimate.
Besides, she DID actually put on a few pounds since the kids had seen her. I wasn't going to say anything, 'cause I don't like to get in trouble, but HE said it. I'm just acknowledging.
Actually, we are hys-fucking-sterical.
But YOU....YOU'RE too funny. I can't believe you don't have broken fingers,typing that you noticed she "put on a few"...seriously, what is wrong with you?
Rule #1: NEVER EVER MENTION YOUR WIFE'S PERCEIVED WEIGHT GAIN.
....Especially if you wouldn't normally notice if she were on FIRE, never mind what she's wearing.
No one would dare criticize your little angel. She is talking about the FEELING of being criticized by someone she cares about as if he were her own child. He's a little boy (pre-teen), no one expects him to be able to navigate the social rules that define adult relationships....YOU on the other hand, know better. I also think kids like to push the envelope and test boundaries, because I'm sure his mother spent 3 weeks talking shit about the two of you and overcompensating for her insecurities.
(BTW-Considerate, polite people don't mention a lady's weight gain, unless it's of medical necessity.)
And as far as not saying anything because you don't like to get in trouble....hahahahahha...that's rich.
Oh, Slim can take care of herself. She knows that I love her, and she knows that I think she's beautiful. And she knows that I think she's thinner and more attractive than she does. And she knows that when I speak to others I have a habit of saying outlandish falsehoods which she and I both know are untrue, just to see what kind of reaction will ensue.
I agree with your comments about my little angel. He should know better, and probably does. He was almost certainly pushing the envelope. I was disappointed that Slim did not react more strongly to him at the time, but I suppose she was too flabbergasted to do much in the spur of the moment. Believe me, The Boy was properly chastised later in the day when I heard about the incident.
BTW, I haven't been in trouble in years. Not since the divorce, come to think of it. I'm living the good life. Mutual love and respect goes a long way.
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