Ok...so I'm good for awhile. The stepdaughter and one of her brothers went back to Florida. She'll be there for a month, so I get to spend some "grown up" time with Dad and we'll go to San Diego in a couple weeks. I can't wait....
I've been rereading my posts (decided that's a bad idea) and I think I look like an insane person. I'm actually ok with it, because I'm an insane person who's writing bad things and not doing bad things. I'm certain I have alienated all but one reader (Hi Mom.) but for the time being I seem to have exorcised some demons.
I don't want you to get the wrong impression (hahahha), my life is not complete chaos, and I have seen some improvement. People are attempting to follow my house rules, and that makes me happy. Most of the rules involve bathroom etiquette, and are posted for you here.
1) Don't leave dishes in the sink for me when I come home.
2) Refill the *(&^$*&^@#& ice cube tray.
(It's 800 degrees out, so there better be ice left for me.)
3) Take your hair out of the drain after you shower.
(If I can do it, and I have about 15 pounds of long, rope-like brown hair then you can too.)
4) When the toilet paper is empty, change the roll and throw out the empty cardboard roll.
(This one has proven particularly troublesome... I stock extra toilet paper conveniently for all and yet, somehow, I am always the one desperately trying to peel the glue-y last sheet off the empty tube. Someone seems to be trying, so I am reserving judgement on the progress of this one.)
5) When in doubt, use the bathroom spray, and give a "courtesy flush".
(Seriously, after these people use the bathroom, you have to REPAINT. And they constantly leave "surprises"...wtf?!!)
6) When I call you for dinner, stop what you are doing (No one is doing brain surgery or answering 9-1-1 calls here, so I feel my attmepts at meal presentation should take priority) and DO NOT CRITICIZE THE FOOD. It took me just as long to screw up dinner as it did to crank out a good one, so recognize the effort and eat it, or nominate yourself for "Chief Cook and Bottlewasher". Amen.
7) When I ask you nicely to do something, don't say "no." (Your health and safety are at risk.)
8) Speak English. I realize that EVERYONE, talks like a gangsta, but you are not a gangsta. Gangstas do not live on the Upper East Side of Manhattan and if they do, they blenddddddd. I don't go to the "hood" and drop my final consonants, and get all up in people's "grills" and the like...(yo, like whaddeva..what's wich u?) ...so I'm insisting on English in my house. Hoity toity British accent is a plus. ("O Fahth-ah...it looks like a GLORIOUS day for a ride in the Cahn-tray.")
9) No food in the bathroom. Ever. If you'd seen what I'd seen, you'd understand the reason for the rule.
(I totally just threw up in my mouth a little bit. .Oh yeah, just to be on the safe side, don't let the kids make you a sandwich.)
10) No boys in the house. Ok. NO ONE (except registered legal occupants) in the house when I'm not home. It's not that I don't trust you, but the last boy I found in the house, was hiding in my bathroom with no clothes on and my bed was all messed up...so I think we can all see where I'm going with this.
(My husband won't let me get a hidden camera. Maybe I'll get one and hide it from HIM ..hahahahah. "Smile into the alarm clock, Sweetie")
That's about it. I don't have rules that are impossible or vague. They are done for the welfare of our little community here. If I'm over the top, let me know. If I'm missing any, let me know and I'll add them.
Your cooperation is greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.
The Management
Fear Is the Wish
2 days ago
4 comments:
You ROCK. And sometimes, it's a little scary, 'cause it's like you're in my head a little bit.
hahaha. Thanks so much for the support. You have no idea how grateful I am for it. (I think I pissed off D, but hopefully you had a chance to discuss your feelings without getting him on the defensive about his kids. Hopefully, he won't be THAT annoyed.)
I know if anyone said shit about MY kids, like a mother bear, I would just SWIPE their face off with my big bear paw.
But I don't have kids, so the point is moot. :) I DO know that you can not criticize someone's kid and have them not be pissed.
Criticize kid = pissed off parent.
Never mind if they agree. THEY can say what they want. YOU can't. It's just the way it is. And it probably should be like that.
Thus the reason for the blog and all the spewing. :)
Au contraire, mon fraire. I encourage Slim to chastise the children and call them out as frequently as possible. They have, over the last several years of dealing with her, come to view her as more of a parent than their own mother (who's more of a best friend / enabler).
I think you forgot a few rules though.
1) Always open the toilet before using it. I'm just saying. It wouldn't need to be spelled out if if it hadn't actually been a problem.
2) Leave the room before you break wind. It doesn't matter how pleasant you find your own gas. Nobody else likes it.
3) Never mention a woman's weight. Ever. Not even if she's sitting on you. The only exception to this rule is the verbatim question: "You look great - have you lost weight?"
I could go on and on, but I don't want to hijack.
See the thing about chastising the kids, fun as it is and all, is that the stepmother ends up being in this weird disciplinarian situation, ("You're not my mother...etc.") and hopefully she still gets to be the fun one. It's better for you guys because they've known her since they were smaller....so they get a sense of permanence. I like your rules...I will add them.
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