I am grateful that the ex lives in another state with two of the kids. Her rampant alcoholism doesn't seem to have done the damage to her two sons (although I'm suuuure it's there) that it's done to her daughter who now lives with us. Her drunken rants on the phone are easily sidestepped, because when she starts that crap, we hang up.
I don't believe that kids,essentially, are bad. In theory. And perhaps, had I known these kids when they were much smaller, this might have been more "fun" (holidays, and outings that help a kid bond to an adult, etc.)...but I got them when they were older, jaded...they visit on holidays and during the summer, and the first couple of days are focused on the material things they want their father to buy them, then some irrational, emotional "acting out" now that they are in a healthy environment where the police aren't called to settle disputes.
Now, it's very easy for the new wife to complain about the old one, I am aware of that. But there was a good 10 years between her and me, so I'd like to think that the things I am disgusted by are largely based on objective observations and my limited contact with her.
First of all, let's talk about the drinking. She doesn't drive, thank God, and the house is clean, but she's one shotgun rack short of being a country western song.
- She drinks and becomes violent and incoherent...nice. The years of drinking have fried her brain and she is now completely and irrationally anxious. We have received many calls for help from the kids and have had to involve the police to ensure everyone's safety. (we're in New York, they are in Florida, so you can imagine how easy this is.)
- She is unintelligent (bless her poor saturated brain) and frequently calls my husband or me to complain about her relationship. (with another drunk loser.)
- She refuses to get help, because she doesn't have a problem. Of course not.
- She allowed her daughter to get left back in the 6th grade and then coached her to lie about it to her father, shaming her daughter and at the same time teaching her a wonderful lesson about parenting...(although we figured out the lie 3/4 through the year, by then it was too late.)
- She didn't seem to think there was a problem with her daughter having an 18 year old boyfriend (at 14!!!), or that her daughter was caught shoplifting and was failing out of school....it only became a problem when my husband said he's stop sending his check.
- Because she was always passed out drunk by 7pm, her kids were allowed to raise themselves....the oldest son, 17, allowed to sleep out every night at his 16 year old (9th grade!) girlfriend's house...and then had the nerve to be surprised when she ended up pregnant. And then didn't tell us for 2 months. Nice.
I suppose I could go on and on. What I'm mad about is the way she's screwed up her daughter who now lives with us. The kid looks normal, and I suppose the teenage "shitties" are to be expected...but it's getting worse.
And my favorite part of the show is when my stepdaughter tells me, "What do you know about raising kids, you never had one...God knows what you'd do with your own baby."
She mentioned in passing that we were shitty parents. I suppose lying face down in one's own vomit was more the norm she was expecting, so yes, in that regard I'm sure I'm a total disappointment to her.
I know that the huge Sweet 16 we threw for her, further outlines how we are trying to buy her love with money. Especially, since her mother contributed nothing to the event, save for a very uplifting speech about life's disappointments.
Oh yeah, and the school program for which her father and I fundraised the money to send her to Australia for 3 weeks, is just another example of how we don't understand her.
I am sure the fancy haircuts, the special events, allowance etc...(things she never had before) are reasons for her to lash out at me. I am sure she's angry that her mom is such an asshole, but I'm telling you, I'm not seeing the upside of this situation, save that my husband gets to have say in how at least one of his kids are raised.
Because my husband doesn't have a job that allows him much time on the phone, I end up the one who follows up with the homework. It's become a full time job following her progress in school, while she cuts class, drops grades, etc....and then comes home full of bullshit excuses. She lies to me, and when I call her on it, claims that she only lies a "little bit".
All of this is one big whine and I don't even want to read it before I post it, so I can only presume you'll have as much fun reading it...
I look forward to the day in 5 years when we stop sending his ex the child support and I might even throw a party. A Monkey off our Back Party. 2 out of three kids don't even live there, but it's a big ordeal to get it changed, and my husband got a raise since then, so we're just biding our time. But I don't get "supporting" two working adults and their pets, habits and vices, hoping that the kids get a meal in there somewhere.
Being a stepmom is a shitty position. You're not family, but they are forced to treat you as such. The kids resent you, for being with Dad even though they know that no sane person would CHOOSE to live with his ex. They spew back ridiculous shit that she has brainwashed them to think about their father and me. Most of it, I ignore. But lately, my whole life is someone else's family bullshit and it's eclipsing me. I feel bad for my husband who has been supportive of me and who, if he only knew the horrible things I was thinking about his kid, would probably be very upset. But hey, they're just FEELINGS...
Needless to say, I am thoroughly looking forward to spending the holiday weekend with this damaged, spoiled, rude, pain- in- my- ass, sponge of a person for whom I committed to being a positive role model...
I have dark thoughts of violence, lately.
31 comments:
What a delightful rant! It's nice to read honesty, rather than someone's rose-tinted idea of how wonderful their life is. I can hardly wait to read more of your writings. Let's hope they're not all quite so angry, but no less open and sincere.
Incidentally, I don't know anything about step-parenting first hand, but as a parent, Slim and I made sure from day one that when the kids are with us, she has as much authority as I do, and that went a long way towards keeping the kids sane. I know there are good days and bad. And I know there's brainwashing from the egg-doner.
For instance, they have been taught by their mother that they have one home, and one mother. Quiz them, that's what they answer. But... get them in a conversation about homes or mothers in general and they will site examples using this household and this step-mom. Catch them talking to their friends and they refer to here as their home, and don't often correct a person who refers to Slim as their mother.
My point is they may be brainwashed now, but once time passes and they get out in the real world they'll see their childhood and parents with more perspective.
I freaking LOVE this line:
"But lately, my whole life is someone else's family bullshit and it's eclipsing me."
I absolutely get that. It's too damn bad that you don't live closer because we could have some MARVELOUS venting lunch dates.
I have until recently thought that my behaviors, honest, sincere emotions, and positive examples would serve as a counter balance to the unhealthy practices of the egg doner (as 2x4 so eloquently refered to her). But it feels damn near impossible to counter constant manipulations and underhanded nastiness especially when she only allows us to see the kids for 24 hours once a week. It's daunting, and exhausting, and 'eclipsing'.
At least your egg doner is blantanly crazy. Ours hides it well and has everyone else fooled. She's no alcoholic, just a sneaky, manipulative, self-righteous, nazi cow.
My step-daughter arrived here last weekend and upon seeing the mother's day card that my mom got for me (knowing nobody else would do so) she asked, "Who got YOU a mother's day card? You're not a mother."
Oh yeah sista, I feel ya.
OH Man, Slim, I totally get the Mother's Day thing...because what you're doing isn't parenting, right? What I like to remind everyone is that I have a life and was my own interesting person, prior to taking on all of their respective CRAP. And whenever I feel that I'm not being heard or my feelings are being discounted, I INSTANTLY STOP DOING all the things that they would expect me to do...(Grocery shopping, loaning spare change, etc.) and I go read a book or make plans.
It's not always that bad, and we generally get along pretty well, but I try pretty hard to shake the feeling I get that I am little more than an accessory in THEIR family life, as opposed to my own interesting branch of the family tree. Wait till I have my own baby. Ha.
Oh boy can I relate ... I have three "adult" stepsons, all of whom hate me and my children. And I can think of no other reason than I married their father and I'm not the drunken slut their mother was. I loathe Christmas with these people - I can't call them children any longer; they've got no future planned whatsoever and all I can see is my marriage breaking up because of the wedge the little so-and-sos seem determined to drive between us.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to rant :)
My pleasure Candii, if you ever come back here, send me your email or a way to reach you. No one should have to feel they stepparent alone. Especially with teenagers..yeesh.
I'm not sure what brought me back here ... but here I am, I guess! My life goes on, much like your's I think, lol - the little buggers are still around - their father has given them until June to leave; but I see little to no activity in that direction from either of them, so we'll see. They're no longer paying board so they can "save up" but then I hear them asking Dad for money ... makes you wonder where the "savings" are going ... Still, hubby and I are still weathering it through - I think he's finally getting that I'm close to breaking point with them. Who knows ....
Gee, that sounds depressing - but what the heck, I'm gonna post anyway, lol! LovelyAnd.. you can get me at hmashton@gmail.com anytime :)
This will now be my favorite blog. Seriously. I googled "Being a Stepmother sucks" and this was the first post. It's like reading about MY life. Or rather what my life will be like in 10 years. My step children are 5 & 7 and currently live with us.
I too Googled "being a stepmother sucks" and found this website! I'll definitely be checking back for more updates.
I know this is over a year old, but thank you. I don't want to say it, but I do... I hate being a stepmom. I'm also afraid of maving m own kids, because I don't want to put them through this shit (dealing with the stepkids) and I seriously doubt my husband will treat our kids better than his precious baby boy, (whom BTW, is nine, had to repeat school three times, has a shitty mother, duh... need I go on)
I honestly don't think I deserve this. And as terrible as it is, I'm happy I found your blog. You're lucky however, the ex lives an hour away from here. Is it bad to contemplate blowing your head off?
Every day here is hell. I love my husband, but don't know why I ever put myself into this.
So with that, I say thank you and ta ta for now. :)
BTW, I also googled "being a stepmom sucks"
Small world, huh?
I googled being a step mom suck and found this blog, which is now my refuge. Being a step mom of a 8 and 5 yr old has now consumed my unappreciated time. Not only have I moved from NYC to Texas, to be closer to my now husband, leaving all family and friends. I have the pleasure of seeing the ex at all possible events and even at our local costco. The best part is there is no acknowledgment that I exsist, until there is some fight or she needing more money, or how she cant afford to maintain her lifestyle. Yes our child support goes to louis vuitton bags and botox. More so she complains on how hard it is to be a single mom every chance she gets, especially since she has to now work again. Its so hard being her. Since she cant afford collagen injections, fat reducing procedures, Personal chefs and Trainers. She would die if she didnt have the full time live in nanny. More so she brain washes the kids every chance she gets. I am 7 mths prego and the latest is my baby is not really related to the children. They keep referring to the baby as the step child even though all children have the same father. It drives me nuts how we always buy clothes, school supplies, pay for extra curricular activities, have to pay to maintain a house we dont live in. Or even how the kids still sleep in the same bed as there mom, and boy and girl both shower together. Or how at 5 yrs old the boy wets the bed every night ...his mothers bed. It sucks to retrain an 8 yr old girl how to clean herself, or to close the door when she is using the restroom. Or how to brush there teeth. I know there products of having to much and being raised by nannies, I know i could never tell my husband who i love so much, that i wish we could move, so we can have a life of our own, but like you said, Being a step mom sucks. Sorry for being so long, just had a bad day, and found some refuge.
It's ok, "anonymous", I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. I think if you don't get to share SOME of that stuff, you'll explode on someone at some point. You didn't say, but does your husband see the stress you are under? Does he recognize the impact of this situation is on you? It's a lot easier to deal with when you are a united front.
Here's some things you can find comfort in:
1) You're having your own baby in a couple of months and the attention is going to be all on you. :) I'm sure the ex is THRILLED that you are expecting his child. No doubt you are younger than she is.
2) In 16 years, (if he has to pay child support til they are 21,) the payments will stop.
3) The kids are young. She's brainwashing them? Wait till they are teenagers, THEN you'll have your revenge. If they only see their dad on the weekends, that time will be taken up with friends, activities, etc...
4) Talk to the kids about HOW IMPORTANT they will be to the new baby, and that if you had to PICK siblings for your new baby, you couldn't find two better ones.
5) That the oldest one is wetting his mother's bed is a bonus.
I know the hardest part is RESTRAINING yourself.
I would hate to run into the ex at every event, I know one girl who used to have to sit in the same pew with the mother at CHURCH and her stepson used to hold both of their hands at church and then try to get them both to hold hands and say "Peace Be With You" and all that stuff.
Who is going to help you with the baby when it comes? Make plans to go home and visit a LOT.
I'm sorry for your crappy situation. I'm sure she's a complete nutjob...but I guess it's better than if she were a supermodel or something, extremely successful,and people asked about her all the time when you two are out together, etc...right? :)
Focus on what YOU need to be happy and it will help a BIT, I promise.
Congratulations on the upcoming new addition to your family. :)
I too, have found this blog to be a refuge. It truly helps knowing that one, we are not alone and two that advice and "ranting" can be shared amongst us.
Anonymous, first, congrats on your new baby. I have not yet reached that place where I feel comfortable with having a child of my own knowing the circumstances to which I would be bringing it into.
Your huby's ex sounds like most sad, single "oh woa is me" ex's and when you tell yourself she is getting the better, deal (even if it LV bags or botox, she wins.) Trust me, I know what my hubby's ex is doing with MY (sorry, our) money and it burns but you gotta tell yourself the good points. For instance for you think "She's fat, and no amount of money will even make her beautiful like you on the inside." Plus, you're married while she's still trying to find another person to get wrapped up in her drama.
You're better than her, and we're always here to listen. :)
You have really great taste on catch article titles, even when you are not interested in this topic you push to read it
Heck, I'm a full-time stepmom and I googled "it sucks being a stepmother on mother's day"...I get 24/7 stress. AND if I even dare point something out about anything, I am treated like a complete idiot! This blog is fantastic...it hits all the nails on their heads. Two boys, one whom turned 13 right after we got married...has been such an awakening for me. I am an only child, was married before, but didn't have kids and this is my first real experience with them. If I could go back to my single life and do this again, I am quite certain I would not do it. There are days I just want to run far, far away. And my husband, bless his heart, is a good man and I love him dearly, but I don't love his ex-wife and her every-day-I-am-sleeping-with-a-different-man-and-I-introduce-them-all-to-my-sons-whom-I-only-have-4-days-out-of-the-month's-selfish-"the-world-is-out-to-get-me-attitude"!!!
They never miss the opportunity to miss opportunity.
Try all of that when you DON'T have the support of the biodad!!! Biodad is a GUILTY daddy and gives into wining and dining his own children. In my case, the BM has given all three what I call "adult spousal status"
Ladies, if you're single DO NOT ever get involved with a man who has a previously enjoyed family. It is worst than the seven circles of hell. In my case the BM takes half of my SO's 35K income in child support; leaving him without the ability to support himself. And he's ok with that!
Yes, 11:04...It's called "overperforming". Even if what you think you're doing is "Just what you'd be doing for them as if they were your own"....
Unfortunately, it was the same for me, and I had to pull back on what I was offering. I'm always pleasant, and I make my husband handle everything, even if he doesn't do it exactly when I'd like. I don't pay for any extras anymore, because they aren't appreciated. I don't discuss it, but I just decided that I'd rather spend my money on myself. Sounds selfish? It probably is. But it feels a whole lot better. I'm not denying anyone food or shelter. I'm just not investing unless I can feel really good about it.
The kids don't really want to hear from you, or have to acknowledge your boundaries. It sucks. Because even if the BioDad appreciates your efforts, they expect you to love their children "as if they were your own". So you do your best. No parent is perfect and of course, no stepparent is either. But they sure can tell you when YOU'VE said something wrong.
I think you've inspired another blog post actually. Thanks. :)
Hang in there. :) I'm told they will appreciate it all when they are 30. Maybe.
I love you guys! Count me in as one who Googled "being a stepmom sucks" because it suuuure does! I can't take anymore sugarcoated unrealistic advice from people who have no clue. You all certainly do. I am sure not all stepfamily situations are awful, but ours is. It's only because I love him so much that I am still here, and events of late have made me even question why I am staying. It's just so hard. I am not family, not even close. He has his first family...then there's me. "First" being the operative word there. They came first and always will. I feel like a guest in my own home. I also think the same about someone contemplating marriage with a man who had a first family. Run! Run as fast as you can! In the other direction! If something happens to us and we are no longer married, I will never, ever marry a man with children again. Thank you all so much for your honesty and candor. Real feelings, not some BS advice to suck it up. I love you guys!! -J-
OMG!! I can't believe I found this. Yes, I was also a googler of "being a step mom sucks."
My SO and I moved in together 6 weeks ago and we have had the kids for 3 of those weeks. In that time I am responsible for the 17 yr old son getting D's in 1/2 of his classes. Never mind he had the same performance last semester, and for years before I ever met my SO. Are you kidding me?
Unfortunately my SO is getting another kind of "D". A big D for denial about this kid failing to take responsibility for his actions. And my SO conveniently forgets that the kid was blaming his bio-mother for all his problems at this time last year.
I so relate to those who have spent lots of money trying to create nice homes and environments. I have just been told the kids think that we have a house but not a home. I really have worked on the role of "fun aunt" and do the best I can to keep things light and fun. However, when the kids (14 and 17) don't do laundry, dishes, cleaning, even light cooking, or pick up their rooms we have a problem. "Fun Aunt" is not their maid, but my SO doesn't back me up on that.
. . . and SO won't go to counseling so we may very well be going down the toilet.
Perhaps I should have seen this coming. My SO still blames 100% of his divorce on the ex (whom I actually like). Hmmmm, do we see a pattern here on the theme of taking responsibility??
I was so happy to see the other rants. Thanks!
God Bless you and all the other Step parents. I have a 9 year old step daughter, who I have been involved with since she was an infant. She lives with us, full time, and has since her mother failed her drug test 1 1/2 years ago. Her mother has been surviving off of child support since the day she was born, and now that it is gone (Thank GOD), is spongeing off another man. She has supervised visitation every other weekend, and it able to strip her daughter of every lesson we have taught her in those 48 hours.. I am "nothing, just the woman that married her ex". I am not a mother, (although I have 2 small children of my own or the fact that I am raising her daughter every minute of every day). I am not privy to Mother's Day events at school, although her mother has "bailed" on her for many events over the past 9 years... I am just the one who gets her up and ready in the mornings, sends her to school clean and well dressed, pays for her to be in clubs, makes her dinner, helps with homework, and tucks her in bed every night... But I am not a mother.. Oh wait, I am ok when I am picking up the pieces when her "mother" doesn't come get her on the weekends, then I am ok...
Being a stepmom sucks... really f-ing sucks.
OMG I just have to say that you are my hero. I googled "stepmothering sucks" and got yoru delicious rant. Guess what? It made me feel better! I had NO IDEA what I was signing up for when I married and wonderful man in Januray of this year. He has two children and I thought- oh- we get along so well! Man, was I a sucker for the rosy picture. It is six months later and life is very very dark. The nine year old hates me for exisiting (even though his parents have been divorced for 5 years now) and the teenager is a creature from hell who has no faults, of course. SOmehow, my husband and I are happy on weekends without children and so far this is enough- but- let's just say it feels very very precarious and I am nervous. Maybe I should blog,too to get out these feelings and thoughts I never knew I was even capable of. I am horrified at how this trauma of stepdom has changed me. Anyways- thanks for letting me post! I will keep reading.
Here's to recognizing the truly hopeless job-
Wow, this thread keeps alive due to the thankless nature of our roles. Ugh.
My SO's son returns tomorrow and I must say I am not looking forward to it. I have agreed to give it another chance but as usual I have to be the one to change.
This is nuts! Don't you think as a society we would be better at dealing with this?? Especially helping couples get help. It feels it is always the step-parents' problem. I still wish my SO would do to counseling.
Has anyone been successful in getting their guy to see someone about this problem, alone or couples or family counseling?
Hi, It's "J_ again, See May 28th above. I have suggested to husband that we see a therapist, and he thought about it, but decided no. He and his ex went and it was just one bashing session after another, or so he says. My SS was here today, and I spent all day with a sick stomach ache, a tight chest, and I cried every time I was alone for even a minute. I wish so much my mother was still alive, I need her so much right now. No matter what was going on in my life, she always knew what to say and made me feel better. I don't think I can stay in this situation. I'm really leaning towards leaving. I have been in another similiar situation, but that time it was not my boyfriend's kids, but his best friend that moved in and it was awful. I know myself and know what I can take and what I can't take and I can NOT take this. I am going to see about some counseling for myself tomorrow because I am seriously afraid of having a stroke or something. I am stressed to the max and don't want to love like this.
Oops, typo. That last line shoudl have said "live" like this, but I find it ironic that I typed "love".
-J-
Being a step parent is the most infuriating job ever. You aren't blood, you aren't their mom and if you have no kids of your own even worse because you aren't anyone's mom. You are busting your ass trying to get things for them and for them to love and accept you. I so love this post, thank you for posting it.
I too am a step mom with no kids of my own. The "egg donor" is worthless and I have tried to be all she will never be. But atlas, I will forever be just Julie and she is Mom. I'm the one who made sure she wasn't held back in first grade. I do the doctor visits, clothing needs, homework, chauffering, listening to the countless school stories,patting the back while she throws up, making dinner ect..... Egg donor is off with yet another boyfriend not to be bothered by her children,but she is Mom and I am just Julie.
I agree that it is always seen the other way around. Step mothers do not get enough respect. It is the hardest job in the world and for most of us women, the men in our lives dont even understand the daily stresses and anxieties that we have to face taking care of their child or their children. No wonder blended families more often than not, fail....
That was an excellently written essay, thank you so much.
wow after reaading this i dont feel so alone.. i too hate being a step parent.. hate it.. that im actually moving out.. lifeis too short to be miserable
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