What Happens when you google "Being a Stepmother Sucks"

You end up here.

And I think that's a good thing. I started this blog originally intending to crack wise about the things I observed at work, and it evolved into a rantfest about my frustrations with being a stepparent. It's really an awful position we find ourselves in, and I don't care if you have a background in Special Education/Family Counseling/Child Psychology, you don't know what you're getting into until you're knee deep in it. And the bio parents have no idea what they are asking of you (expecting). And if you have your own children that you bring into this situation, well, I can't imagine that added layer of insanity. Can "blended families" work? Sure. I just don't know who those people are or how they do it, because I was reduced to googling, "Being a Stepmother Sucks", like the rest of you who find yourselves here.

Sometimes all you can do, is all you can do. I know you're doing your best. You'll show what kind of wonderful mother you can be, you'll try harder to get along, you'll swallow your anger when someone else's unacceptable behavior becomes something you think you have to accept. I think the reason many marriages with stepkids fail is because the step-person, has run screaming from the house in an attempt to save their sanity.

Compounding my frustrations with being a stepmother, were my challenges trying to get pregnant with my own child. Having so much love to give, things to share and teach and miscarrying just made the living situation so much more upsetting.

I tried to love my stepdaughter "as my own", as was expected of me, but I think that was unrealistic. She was also very difficult. What was just teenage crappy behavior became REALLY unacceptable behavior. She was openly hostile to us at home, dropped out of school (without telling us, but still hitting her father up for money to "get to school" each week.), picked up an unemployed 28 year old, Rastafarian boyfriend with two kids by two different women,and started using the apartment as her own "love shack" while we were at work. She'd been taking inappropriate pictures of herself, smoking cigarettes and whatever else, lying, and acting out passive agressively, just in general being unpleasant. Talking to her didn't help and we disagreed on taking back her house key. I wanted the key back, and he was afraid if we did that, she would move in with the boyfriend.

I understood where he was coming from, but she had been awful to live with. And because there were no consequences, she got worse. Around this time, he was informed his job would be eliminated in a couple months, and he decided that he no longer would be participating in having a child with me.


I had been in therapy on my own for about a year and I realized that I couldn't keep on like this. She ran the house, he allowed and defended her shitty behavior,(I TOLD you, that bioparents while they may see their childrens' issues, typically won't do anything about it, because they are so guilty over their role in upsetting their life by getting divorced/ not being a good enough parent/ fill in the blank...YOU can't say ANYTHING to them about their child's behavior that won't look like an assault on their child.)

I spent a lot of time putting up with crappy behavior and walking on eggshells because I was so worried he'd get upset and wouldn't continue to participate in babymaking... that I lost my own voice in the relationship. Being a naturally positive person, I didn't even realize that I wasn't HAPPY. And no one else was either.

So one day, we got home from work a little early and found her leaving our apartment with the boyfriend. I snapped. I freaked out on the boyfriend and demanded her key back. She opted to curse me out and TRY to get physical with me. My husband prevented her from actually making physical contact with me, but I'd had it. She had to go. NOW. I wanted her to go back to Florida to live with her mother, but the next day he moved her out to his parents' house in Brooklyn and he went with her. I was so upset that he had gone, but did a fucking happy dance, the day I came home and realized I didn't have that anxious feeling I had when I worried she'd be coming home and I'd have to pretend to be civil and upbeat to someone who was openly contemptuous of me, my home and the things I provide.

After about a week, he called me to tell me I had been right about her and the need to establish boundaries. Her "happiness" was no longer his first priority. She was still pulling all her bullshit at his parents' house and he wasn't going to subject his parents to her disrespectful behavior (and of course, since I was not around, I couldn't be blamed for it), so he established boundaries. (What a concept.)He also talked to his exwife, and they agreed that it would be best at this point if she went back to Florida. She's almost 20, and at least if shes going to underachieve in Florida, it wouldn't be with gang members. But he also wasn't budging on the baby thing, so I had no choice but to hire an attorney to write a separation agreement and then I would serve him with divorce papers.

I gave him every opportunity to change his mind, and had more or less resigned myself that I had done everything I could but I couldn't save my marriage AND be happy. When he got the attorney's paperwork, he got VERY upset and decided he wanted to help me achieve my goal of being a parent and didn't want to lose his wife. I believe that upset as he is about his daughter, he's relieved that she's not with us, and he was convinced that the stress of dealing with her is why I didn't conceive. He's been great since then, and I'm cautiously optimistic. I believe having a couple months apart, I realized that it didn't serve ANYONE that I wasn't being honest about what I couldn't accept. And accepting an unliveable situation just steals bits away from your soul.

So...is that much help for anyone else? Well, I know that as much as you'd like to jettison your stepkids overboard, you probably can't. And you can't fight with your spouse about their child. The child gets a whiff of discord between you two and plays both sides against the middle or actually, their side against you.

To "J", you have to know that you can't thrive with drama and chaos like this, and if he's not willing to go to counselling, (it's not about bashing him,it's about having a safe place to talk) then he has to be able to hear how you feel, and what you need to be happy. Why shouldn't he? You've been putting him first and it's not working, is it?

One of the commenters said that there isn't adequate education about being a stepparent. I don't think it's just for the new stepparent to have to learn, the biological parent has to want to learn the best way to co-parent with a non biological parent, and that's the issue.

The biological parent needs education as well. Not to just enter the space with an attitude that says, "Well, you knew I had kids when you met me...so you should know what you were getting into." If we'd KNOWN what we were getting into....well, you can answer that one... Besides, they have to want to know how to keep their marriage together, while adding their child or children to the mix, that their spouse and co-parent is important too. All they know is what's "best" for their children, so they aren't open to learning anything new about parenting and while your ideas are great, if you could just stick to doing all kinds of stuff for their children, spending your money and your resources for their children and keep that "tone" out of your voice when you address their child (who has acquired an irritating sense of self- entitlement)...that would be greeeeat.

I know you're trying your best,because you're busy trying to google why your life is sucking and how to make it stop sucking. You aren't alone, you aren't crazy, and yes, this is too much drama and chaos. Something has to change or else it will continue to be exactly like it's been. The only one who can do that is you. Men do not volunteer to go to counseling, by the way. They all hate it. So, go yourself. Then hopefully you'll get the balls to insist they go too, IF it's important to you.

I'm fortunate that my husband "got it" and he's working on making sure he hears me. But he wouldn't have needed to do that if I hadn't been honest about what I can and can't live with and be happy.