2009...I have no expectations

...therefore, I can't be disappointed.



I try to make "requests" instead of telling my stepdaughter and husband what to do. I always focus on how a certain action makes me feel...as opposed to saying, "You ALWAYS do this, or you NEVER do that...". I make sure to send "I" messages, as opposed to "YOU" messages, because the bottom line is, I want to be heard and acknowledged, with dialogue, rather than necessarily "winning" or being "right" all the time.



I don't have a lot of rules, except for the ones involving common courtesy (not leaving dishes in the sink), basic hygeine (flushing the *&^&^% toilet), and things that will cost me money if not handled properly or wasted (electricity, cold cuts...etc).



I'm taking a poll. Please tell me if my request is out of line, because I've lost all perspective on my situation.



My stepdaughter came to the table at about 1:30pm (She's off school, her younger brother was up visiting from Florida, so they stayed up all night and then slept in..I have no problem with this.)



My husband and I are at the kitchen table having a conversation and she staggers in, barely awake, plunks herself down and says, "What's for breakfast?"



I reply, "Usually we say Good Morning, before we demand breakfast."



She says, "I didn't demand breakfast,"



and I say, "Ok...but I'd still prefer it if you said "Good Morning" or in someway acknowledged us when you come in. It's the nice way to interact."



I know I'm reading this conversation back and it's reading kind of stilted, but there was much more vocal nuance involved and I was trying to say this in an "upbeat, nice way" instead of a "stern" way...(you'll just have to trust me.)



I know this is a small request, and I know that people have much bigger issues in life, but as far as establishing a code of conduct for living with other people and basic social skills, I don't see that anyone has really taught her that much.



I'm taking a poll, how many people think my request was out of line? If you think so, I'd like to know. I know not everyone is a "Morning Person", but if that's the case, then one shouldn't subject other people to one's presence until such time as they are ready to relate to other people.



Of course, none of this matters at all, as when I asked her later when she was starting the homework that was due after the break (school starts again tomorrow and she has a lot of assignments due) she said she'll get to it, and she doesn't "Need me up her ass." ( I demanded and got an apology.)



My husband is never around for this stuff and I believe that it happens that way on purpose. He feels that I don't talk nicely to her or something, or that I look for confrontations. I believe that she lays the groundwork for confrontations and then tries to manipulate him against me. (Lying, cutting class, not doing homework, not doing small things I request, being mouthy...)



For example: There were what appeared to be, two unfinished (unattempted) worksheets, lying in the middle of the floor. Her room is a disaster and I am not really a stickler for organization, beyond basic sanitation, because I know which arguments are futile. But these are in the common area, haven fallen from whereever they were originally stuffed. I asked her to please pick up whatever those papers are. She says, "I will."



10 minutes later, they are still there, and I say, "Do me a favor...what are those papers? Are they important?"


She says she doesn't know what they are.



I say, "Well, could you do me a favor and pick them up as I'm cleaning up, and I keep walking over them..."



She picks them up... I say, "what were they?"



She says, "Nothing."



I say, "Are they homework?"



She says, "No, they are garbage." So I say, "Well, why don't you just toss them?"

She says, "It doesn't matter because they are back where they were and not on the floor."


Ok...so this is a stupid conversation and I stop having it. My point is that 1) I can tell they are homework, 2) they are either not finished and old assignments or they are more homework that should be turned in tomorrow that she's not finishing.



So I say, "You know what? You're right. I don't want to be "Up your ass". I actually would like to think you can manage your own time at some point now that you are 17. But as you've been grounded all year and your teachers keep emailing me that your work is incomplete or not turned in, you must be wanting more intervention from us. When you do not get what you want, please understand why, and don't be upset. Your actions are what decide your consequences."



And with that, I'm done speaking to her. My husband (who was driving his son to the airport, so he missed all the fun) gets a call from me, describing the situation, and then gets on the phone with her, and she tells him that when she's alone with me, there's "tension". I told him that when she's alone with me, she acts like she's alone on the planet and that she creates situations or acts "flip" to get some sort of response from me.



He of course, hates it all, and wants to know why we can't get along?



I don't know why we don't get along. She doesn't treat me with common courtesy or basic respect. I'm not trying to make my behavior someone else's fault, but I can't help but be disappointed with her. Perhaps it's better than I realize, because of the shit she was living in. Maybe this is just the way it is with everyone who is a stepparent. I have pulled back quite a bit in order to make my husband more "present" and I always end up regretting doing anything for her. (Letting her friend come over and making them dinner, buying her outfits so she has something to wear for school events or what have you, carting 50 pounds of Regents books from my girlfriend's daughter, so she has them for free, instead of making my husband pay for them from the bookstore, because she needs them....I keep telling myself I'm going to stop doing any of it and detach...)



I'm not looking for "thank you" everyday, but I'm looking for better interaction and all of this wears me down. I would never ask my husband to side against his kid, and that isn't right in any event, and would never work.



I am careful in my comments about her behavior, or lack of social skills, or the big fat fucking liar she's become (she lies about everything and anything), because I don't want to appear judgmental (Hahahahhaahhahahahaha) but since he is "against" counselling, (I would take her without his permission, but I think that would be a boundary I can't cross without repercussions to my marriage, regardless of how beneficial they would be to this kid who is aiming for the lowest common denominator.), I keep pulling back any interaction with her at all, and he's highly critical of my "not getting along with her." He gets very upset when she and I aren't speaking to each other. He doesn't get INVOLVED mind you, but he's vocal on the subject and frustrated.



Ok...so, back to the social skills thing. It's small, I know, but I have a right to expect basic, civilized behavior, right? Or am I just wasting my time?

I used to be a fun, intelligent, upbeat, supportive person. Now I am tense, resentful, and looking for ways to avoid interracting with her. Please feel free to offer suggestions, because as long as she's grounded (for lying, cutting class, and not doing homework.), I'm stuck with her energy in the house, and I don't want to be leaving my house all the time, because I'm uncomfortable. (Although, I will, totally, find new book clubs to join, etc...if that's my only option.)

Tis the season..ho.ho.ho.

I think I enjoy the holiday season because there's a theme. Chanukah: Blue and White (and silver or gold), candles. Christmas: Red, Green, Gold....(or jewel tones...that's always beautiful)...the trees,...I love Christmas trees...being Jewish there's not much opportunity to get involved here, but I've had them "for Al's kids", and decorated the crap out of it (red, white and blue...an NYC theme...little cabs, everything.) New Year's Eve! I am dying to throw the ultimate New Year's Eve party. This year would be all "white". I was inspired by something in a magazine and I love the idea of White and Champagne accents and although I am frequently too tired to put MYSELF together, I can spend countless hours, creating menus and decor for an event. I love a theme.

Needless to say, not everyone shares my enthusiasm for participating.

My husband has learned to go along with it. He used to worry I was going crazy or "a bit over the top" but honestly, compared to events I've been to, my little soirees are budget oriented (usually) and the intention is to make them easy. I'm going to figure out a way to make it a part time or full time situation someday: with character/costume rental, photographers, exotic locations, the works.

My husband has a large extended family and one never knows exactly who will be at Christmas dinner, so the challenge becomes to get a little gift for everyone...something that says,

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, we've been busy suing people.

'Tis the season to default on your rent, apparently.

Some people are really struggling, for them I feel bad, and we try to assist them, with temporary rent reductions or other assistance, but others....well, some people look for any excuse to "get over", and to those people we say...

"Govern Yourself Accordingly"

More on this later. :)

Well...that didn't take long.

As of Friday, she was missing 4 assignments in English, 3 or 4 in Math, and 3 in French. 3 weeks ago she was written up for "cutting" a class. We already gave her the "Class President is held to a higher standard" speech.

Not two days prior to my receiving this information (the teachers email me.), she was caught lying about not attending her afterschool Forensics club. I had asked her how the club went and she told me, "Great...we finished our hair analysis,...." and proceeded to describe the project she's working on. Which would be nice, except the teacher called me at home to tell me she didn't show up. She opted to hang out at the basketball court instead. Why didn't she attend this club she supposedly likes? Because she had heard others wouldn't be there due to doctor's appointments and "didn't want to be the only one there".

I very pointedly explained that the teacher's time was worth WAY more than hers and she should have had the courtesy to tell the teacher PRIOR to the club that she wouldn't be there, so the teacher could go have a life.

It's so annoying. I bought Halloween costume materials for her so she could go run around with her friends...and her father let her stay out till almost midnight. And it's the lying. I just can't take it. She actually had the nerve to write her father an email saying he just didn't understand how hard it was to be a teenager, (!) and that she wants to be on the honor roll (I guess they just put you there if you ask, you don't actually have to DO homework), and that we don't appreciate her.

Damn straight I don't appreciate her. Just when I think things are looking up, she screws it all up. I am not speaking to her, for the sole reason that I don't want to hear a word out of her mouth, because I'm sure it will be a lie. Also, I am out of patience and restraint. I told her that if she wants to be a loser, she should move back to Florida where she'll blend in, instead of wasting the opportunities provided to her in New York and embarrassing herself and everyone else. (I'm sure I'm going to hell for that one, but I'll be with all the other step-parents who finally snapped.) I'm tired of listening to myself rant about her, and the only reason I don't hurl a hot iron, or television at her head, is because I dump all my wrath and ire in this blog. (lucky you guys.)

She actually had the nerve to email her father and tell him that it wasn't her fault she didn't do her homework. (So it's WHOSE fault,exactly?) That her school is hard and she has so much going on...(Like???? we KNOW she's not doing homework.)

She didn't KNOW she was missing homework, because her teachers (All of them) didn't tell her. hmmmm....What about when you're in class?? Do they HIDE this information? What about when people are turning in assignments or going over them in class....where is she for that??? How does she not know she is missing homework? Oh yeah, because she's lying.

She made up a lot of work yesterday and then her father let her watch a movie. He figures she's off today for Veteran's Day so she can do her homework today. I said she should do all her homework now and get to watch the movie SECOND, as I feel he's not sending the right message, but he shot that down, so I give up. She's allowed to have her phone (but she can't use it...if she uses it THEN we're supposed to take it away..sure that makes a lot of sense.)

He's rehearsing in the studio in Brooklyn tonight (Band gig on Saturday night) and he actually told her that I may want to see her homework.

Well, I don't. I quit. I want nothing to do with it. It's all bullshit anyway. If he's interested in whether or not she does anything in school, he can check her work. He's TAKING HER WORD for it, that she's completed her assignments (Her word = ZERO) so he's going to be the one losing his shit all over the place when he finds out that she's screwing around in school.

The Results are In !!!!!

SHE WON!!!! :)

Jr. Class President Campaign Blitz

It's probably overkill, but we don't care. We are now fully engaged in shameless pandering. We had a small crew of kids over at the apartment assembling cards, candy and ribbons. We paid them in pizza and soda. I bet my boss wishes he could pay me in pizza and soda and get me to produce 1/2 as much. It'll never happen.

Next she finished the t-shirts, also pretty snazzy, if we say so ourselves. And we do.
And the buttons have all been assembled and are ready to be distributed.

Between all these things, plus the bookmarks , magnets and TATTOOS (They are sooo awesome...See previous post to relive the excitement!), I'd say our campaign materials, which we started on Saturday, look pretty swanky.

The only unfortunate thing is the video. We got the testimonials done, and her boyfriend, to make a long story short, committed to being able to assist, and then kept us waiting in vain, until we ran out of time and had to proceedwith our other projects. That's another post, another time, about life lessons, unmet expectations and being responsible for our own happiness. But she feels accomplished! She's going to test the reaction to the giveaways tomorrow, people will be wearing the shirts, using the bookmarks, displaying tattoos, and so forth. If we need more, we'll make more...If she doesn't win, NO ONE can say she didn't try her best. I think she'll be ok, regardless of the outcome, but I'd love to see her win.

Campaign Blitz tomorrow

OK...we didn't finish the video, because her BOYFRIEND who committed to assist, crapped out on us and we lost our opportunity. We would have done it without him but he assured us he was coming and we went on with other things while we waited, in vain, for him. (Long story short.)

This was a lesson in always remembering to honor yourself, and to be responsible for your own happiness. Men always take care of themselves. Actually there were a couple of lessons here and if she learns it now, she won't be learning it when she's 40. People do what they want to do. He made a choice to be somewhere else instead of doing what he said he'd do. She didn't break up with him(boo), but she drew a line in the sand. We'll see.

That being said, we had a nice little crew of friends show up to help assemble candy to give away.